Garry Marshall hates you
The allure of the number “3” and the letter “D” drew Marc and me to see “Avatar” on Christmas Eve. (It sucked.) Marc got into the longest concessions line of all time while I held out seats in the theater, which he thought sucked for him, but was actually a blessed relief from the torture that I had to suffer, a preview of an upcoming Garry Marshall movie called “Valentine’s Day”. Just the act of putting the words “Garry Marshall” next to “Valentine’s Day” is enough to cause screaming nightmares, but believe me, this trailer makes it so much worse.
Garry Marshall clearly hates humanity. That’s the only reasonable explanation for this. I was happy to see that I wasn’t the only person who saw this and wanted to commit an act of violent retribution; Jessica Grose beat me to making fun of this.
With jokes like, “I’m checking in for two… I mean, one and a dog.” [SADFACE], Valentine’s Day doesn’t look like it will be any better.
But I tell you that this doesn’t even come close to expressing how fucking stupid this trailer is. For those who can’t bear to watch it, there are many other “jokes” along those lines. Some woman who surely will get her comeuppance for being a slut asks her married parents Hector Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine what kind of crazy people have sex with one person for the rest of their lives, and they exchange a Meaningful Look and pretend to be embarrassed that they’re those crazy people. Jessica Biel cries about how her fucked-up-ness drives the dudes away while stuffing her face full of chocolates. I did a face plant in the theater. When Marc got back, I announced that I had to break up with him in defense of single people. He talked me down off the ledge, of course. Good thing he didn’t also see the trailer, or he might have been more sympathetic to my feelings at that moment.
The question isn’t, “Why did Garry Marshall make this piece of dreck?” Marshall’s oeuvre, especially “Pretty Woman”, makes is clear that he hates humanity. No other explanation is needed. The question is, “Who pays good money to see this shit?” The answer appears to be “the same people who leave dumb ass YouTube comments”.
See, I went to YouTube to get this trailer so you could share my pain, and discovered that this video had a 5 star rating from 2,808 viewers, indicating that most raters aren’t, like I was, watching this video through their fingers with two fingers of Maker’s nearby for reinforcements. This video has been viewed over a million times. I don’t know if the million-ish people who didn’t leave ratings were running like hell from this like I was, but those deeply invested enough to leave comments are staining their shorts with pleasure at the idea of watching two hours of stories about how people who aren’t in monogamous relationships should hate themselves, but people in monogamous relationships have a lot of Hard Work ahead of them. The commenters are so very excited.
I WANNA WATCH THIS!!!?
This looks? so good.
I? can’t wait to see this movie!
fuckkk i cant wait till this comes outt.
Not that there aren’t dissenters, though their motivations are suspect.
LOVE ONLY FOR LOSERS?
Yesterday, I argued that atheists should feel free to celebrate Christmas, if only because it pisses off Garrison Keillor. But I don’t think there’s any hope for Valentine’s Day, which is a holiday that clearly exists to make everyone feel inadequate, because you’re either not in a relationship, or your relationship isn’t all fulfilling. What I don’t understand is people’s enthusiasm for crap like this. You’d think that since most people have intimate knowledge of what it’s like to be single or coupled (and most of us have knowledge of both), they would be able to see right through this dishonest drivel. But no. Some people appear to be willing to eat up these insults to their dignity with a spoon. I’ll bet some people even go on dates to this movie, sitting there absorbing misanthropic, poisonous messages about romance while attempting to conduct one. No wonder self-help books sell so well.