Colbert ‘apologizes’ to Klan members for doubting their ‘death ray’ capabilities
Normally loathe to admit when he’s wrong, Stephen Colbert admitted on Monday to not giving enough credit to the alleged Ku Klux Klan members caught planning to use a “death ray” placed in the back of a van.
“I never thought these ignorant bigots could ever be smart enough to build a death ray,” Colbert said. “But it turns out I was just blinded by my own prejudice. I judged these Klansmen on the color of their robes, and not on the content of their radioactive murder machine. And for that, I must take a moment right now to say, Ku Klux Klan, I apologize. I can’t imagine that anyone could ever take that out of context.”
But he did emphasize he was not a “Fu Flux Fan” of the organization.
“For one thing, white after Labor Day? No,” Colbert said. “That is a hate crime against fashion.”
The weapon was allegedly able to shoot enough microwave radiation to induce fatal radiation sickness for targets within two weeks.
“The only other way to inflict your target with a dose of radiation that deadly is to call them on their cell phone,” Colbert warned. “I’m not sure how authorities uncovered the Klan’s radiation cannon, but they might have been tipped off by the new robes,” before showing a hazardous materials suit topped off by the Klan’s signature hood.
But instead of being backwoods hate-mongers, Colbert said, the suspects — 49-year-old Glendon Scott Crawford and 54-year-old Eric J. Feight — were urban enlightened hate-mongers, since they allegedly approached Jewish organizations and offered to make the weapon available for them to use against Muslims and “enemies of Israel,” as well.
“Folks, I believe this is what Martin Luther King [Jr.] was talking about,” Colbert told his audience. “He dreamt of a day when people of all creeds and colors could sit together at the table of brotherhood to discuss microwaving Arabs.”
On the bright side, the story finally gave the Colbert Report host the chance to use the expensive animated “Laser Klan” graphic he’d been storing for the past six years.
“I had it made for when George Lucas was here,” he explained. “He asked me not to use it for some reason.”
Watch Colbert deal with the arrival of the “Laser Klan,” aired Monday on Comedy Central, below.