Dick Dynasty VII: The Quittening
We were so excited these past few months watching Elizabeth “The Not Lesbian One” Cheney’s campaign flop around like a landed trout caught by someone with an ill-gotten fishing license as we have documented here and here and here and here and here and here and, well, you get the idea. But it seems that Liz recently sat down with her pollsters who aggregated, weighted, and indexed a collection of statewide polls in Wyoming using formulas which accounted for economic status, ethnicity, party identification and past voting history and concluded that, as her head pollster explained to her: “nobody likes you, everybody hates you, they think you should eat some worms..” and so now Liz is probably going to pull out just like her dad didn’t do when he really really needed that fifth deferment.
Are you ready to have your heart broken?:
Liz Cheney has signaled to allies that she is preparing to drop her bid for the United States Senate and may announce as soon as this week that she plans to focus on issues related to her family, sources told POLITICO Sunday.
Two GOP sources said that a problematic recent incident involving a close member of Cheney’s family prompted her to reconsider the race, among other factors.
Cheney and her spokeswoman did not respond to repeated requests for comment. Cheney finance chair Margaret Parry was noncommittal in a short phone call.
“That’s a very personal issue and I think that you need to get a hold of Liz Cheney,” she said.Republicans — including some Cheney supporters — privately expressed surprise at Cheney’s move, though she is also said to have been discouraged by Enzi’s persistent polling lead and apparent determination to buck pressure to retire.
I have to admit that I am intrigued by this “problematic recent incident involving a close member” of the Cheney family which could range anywhere from setting a stack of her sister’s Indigo Girls CD’s on fire in the backyard to “Dick, I’m worried about the Beaver, and also you need to go talk to your daughter. She shot her sister in the face AGAIN today so I sent her to her room”.
Needless to say, I will miss watching Liz Cheney become more and more shrill and homicidal as her campaign continued to implode until eventually she would lose it on national TV (I had: ‘shanks an uppity reporter’ in my office pool). But now she will just pack up her carpetbags and sadly head back to Virginia where she’ll probably sit around the house in sweats all day drinking pitchers of blood orange jalapeno margaritas and screaming at Ellen on the teevee because it’s all the lesbian’s [Mary Cheney’s] fault and now America is going to die or something…
Princess Snarlyface, we hardly knew ye…