I, for one, do not welcome our new tech-bro CEOverlords
The Internet Age – which you are currently soaking in – has given us many wonderful things. There is the website originally envisioned as a social networking hub for college students that has since been taken over by elderly people for the purpose of exchanging pictures of their grandchildren and urban myths about our urban cough*Kenyanmuslim*cough President (Facebook). There is a virtual market where fortunes are won and lost in Beanie Baby and NASCAR commemorative plates futures (eBay). There is a search engine that helps you discover information allowing you to self-diagnose your butt cancer as well as track down Cobie Smulders sideboob pictures [cobie+smulders+sideboob+hawt] that is called the Google.
There is also Yahoo, but nobody knows what they do or what they’re supposed to be good at.
All these worlds are yours – except Europa – for the price of a computer, a modem, and an overpriced internet carrier that Comcast will eventually buy and make worse.
While the internet has been good to you, it has been great for others, with massive fortunes being created – sometimes out of inflated stock prices with no logical basis in reality shutupshutupshutup – for people who didn’t earn their money the old-fashioned American way; by inheriting it.
And with money, comes power. And with power comes the thirst for more power. Also hubris, lots and lots of hubris, like … shit-tons of hubris. And that hubris has lead some to believe that They Have All The Answers and Therefore Should Be The Boss Of All Of Us.
That is how we ended up with Carly Fiorina (HP) and Meg Whitman (eBay and now HP) thinking they could make that quantum leap to the Big Corner Office, with the private bathroom, without doing all that retail politics lip-n-grip smiley-face bullshit amongst the unwashed masses.
Millions of dollars later, Carly and Meg’s not so excellent quest for popular support came back with a ‘404 not found’ message.
As the kids say: ‘YOLO.’
Lately, a former Occupy Wall Street organizer, current Google employee, and social media self-promoter named Justine Tunney decided to try and sell the idea that President Barack Obama (ask your grandparents about him, they’ll forward you some fascinating informational emails) should stone cold hand the reins of state over to former Google CEO, now executive chairman Eric Schmidt, and get the hell out of the way because Eric Schmidt knows how to get shit done.
Also, the tech industry rawks.
Tunney went so far as to post a petition at whitehouse.gov requesting: “Transfer all federal administrative authority to the tech industry.”
Like a baseball manager taking a spent pitcher out of the game, Tunney implored the
KenyanMuslim president to hand the ball over to Eric Schmidt and let him be the CEO of America:
I implore you to call a national referendum to do the following:
1. Retire all government employees with full pensions.
2. Transfer administrative authority to the tech industry.
3. Appoint Eric Schmidt CEO of America.
It’s time for the U.S. Regime to politely take its exit from history and do what’s best for America. The tech industry can offer us good governance and prevent further American decline.
Unfortunately, after five days, the petition has only collected 30 signatures (26 of them appear to be variations of ‘Tom Friedman’) so we’re about … carry the four … 99,970 signatures short of goal.
Subtraction has a democratic bias, it would seem.
But what of this Eric Schmidt? Can he really get the job done? Is he a maker and not a taker?
Well he’s a little bit of both; making the big bucks while taking away career opportunities and suppressing the wages of the very people who might, say, put up petitions at whitehouse.gov asking Obama to make him Supreme Ruler of the Universe by executive order.
It seems that the Future CEO Of America In Justine Tunney & Tom Friedman’s Dreams conspired to keep all tech-bros, great and small, down on the code plantation. According to court documents reviewed by Mark Ames at Pando :
Confidential internal Google and Apple memos, buried within piles of court dockets and reviewed by PandoDaily, clearly show that what began as a secret cartel agreement between Apple’s Steve Jobs and Google’s Eric Schmidt to illegally fix the labor market for hi-tech workers, expanded within a few years to include companies ranging from Dell, IBM, eBay and Microsoft, to Comcast, Clear Channel, Dreamworks, and London-based public relations behemoth WPP. All told, the combined workforces of the companies involved totals well over a million employees.
You can, as they say, ‘go read the whole thing,” but basically the companies were secretly agreeing to not raid and pillage each others nerd villages, thereby keeping down escalating salary competition.
A delightful e-mail exchange has Google CEO Schmidt writing to Google’s Executive Committee that his “good friend” eBay’s Meg Whitman (remember her?) had called him and she was pretty steamed that a recruiter from Google was trying to steal her man, in this case COO Maynard Webb:
From: Eric Schmidt
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2005 10:52 PM
Subject: Phone call from Meg Whitman
DO NOT FORWARD
Meg called to talk about our hiring practices. Here is what she said:
1. Google is the talk of the valley because we are driving up salaries across the board. People are just waiting for us to fall and get back at us for our “unfair” practices now.
2. Our recruiting practices are “zero sum” and it appears that somewhere in Google we are targeting EBay to “hurt them” and its the reputation that we are doing this against Yahoo, EBay and MSFT (I denied this.)
Fortunately Webb remained pure and chaste and could not be enticed by all of the goodies offered to him so: no harm no foul.
But just in case, Schmidt ordered the recruiter fired “for cause.”
Somehow I find this disqualifying for the position of America’s CEO, meaning the executive search should look elsewhere.
But with Comcast Corporation, DoubleClick, Genentech, IBM, Illumita, Intel, Intuit, Microsoft, Nvidia, Novell, Oracle, Sun MicrosystemsAdobe, Dreamworks, Pixar, Oglivy, WPP, AOL, Ask.com, Clear Channel Communications, Dell, Virgin Media, and Earthlink also implicated the picking are bound to be slim.
Maybe look up Zombie Steve Jobs.
Except for that YOLO thing, he seemed nice…