A primer for the children of gun nuts who’ll be lucky to see their tenth birthday
As you may be aware, the co-founders of Michigan Open Carry were lovely enough people to produce a children’s book entitled, My Parents Open Carry, for children unlucky enough to have been raised by Heather’s two mommies.
In My Parent’s Open Carry, children from sad gun-less families have an opportunity to observe the joyful daily life of a family that appears on the outside to be just like theirs, but with the addition of extreme paranoid fantasies involving roving gangs of street thugs raping and looting at Red Lobster during Lobsterfest, jack-booted stormtroopers kicking down doors searching for banned Bibles, and black teenagers carrying Skittles and Arizona Iced Tea which — when combined, — creates napalm.
That last part is totally true, you can look it up.
Since I’m all about kids and not so much about guns, I thought I would return the favor and provide the children living with shame of having ammosexuals for parents with a simple and educational primer; letting them know what mommy and daddy have in store for them since there is only one 2nd Amendment, but you can always have another kid.
As a prologue to the kids, [HI KIDS!] I’d like point out that — no matter what mommy and daddy say — over 10,000 kids are shot each year in the United States and having a gun in the home makes you less, not more safe. Make sure you go ask your gun-toting mommy or daddy why they hate you and why they had you in the first place … besides ‘the condom broke.’
Go on, go ask them right now! We’ll wait.
When you get back, you can read your ABC’s below or –if you live in Kansas — wait till an out-of-state uncle or aunt stops by to check on your welfare and get them to read it with you.
And hurry, you mighty not have much time left.
A is for accident, whoops — someone’s dead
B is for bullet, it’s stuck in your head
C is for Colt, a gun from the west
D is for dead, it’s what happens next
E is for ‘Emergency,’ they’re open all night
F is for firing range, hope nobody fights
G is for gun, there’s one on dad’s hip
H is for holster, let’s hope it won’t slip
I is for injury, it hurts quite a bit
J is for jury, they might just acquit
K is for killed, it’s not very fun
L is for left alone, lets play with dad’s gun!
M is for manslaughter, it was all a mistake
N is for NRA, your money they’ll take
O is for ‘open-carry,’ my dad’s got a dick!
P is for pistol, you draw it real quick
Q is for queasy, too much blood you fear
R is for rifle, for shooting not near
S is for silencer, won’t make a sound
T is for trauma, no hospital around
U is for undertaker, six feet underground
V is for victim, a bystander is downed
W is for wounded, condition is fair
X is for x-ray, the bullet’s right there!
Y is for youth, too many are dead
Z is for zany, like a hole in the head
(Extensive credit for help on this to the lovely & talented Casey, puttin’ that criminal justice masters degree to work)
[Blonde boy holding a gun on Shutterstock]