Show me on the doll where God touched you, Ben Carson
Former honest-to-Jeebus brain surgeon and guy we are pretty sure is not Herman Cain, Dr. Ben Carson, has very very exciting news for you. The potential finisher in the bottom third of the pack hankering to be the GOP presidential nominee in 2016 has been getting “feelers” from a very special and influential backer in his quest to become the first African-America President who was actually born in America.
Despite Fox white guy Chris Wallace getting “all up in B-Car’s grill,” saying his quixotic belief that he can become president is “whack” and that he should stop “fronting,” Carson was all ” ChrissWallace is a playa hater” and he’s going to run anyway because he’s a “baller” and is not going to be kept down “by the man.” Also, too: “yo.”
Earlier in the month, Carson released a 40-minute-long video — which is approximately 37-minutes longer than the average American’s attention span unless there are boobs or exploding robots or exploding robots with boobs involved — about himself called : “A Breath of Fresh Air: A New Prescription for America,” because he is a doctor, get it?
So clever, he should totally be president now.
You probably didn’t see the video because it ran at oddball times and you were probably watching a TV show about shouty housewives or maybe a exploding robots with boobs movie on Cinemax, but it certainly caught the attention of someone who doesn’t have cable.
And by ‘someone,’ I mean God, Creator of All Things — beginning approximately 6,000 years ago.
In an interview with David Brody, Carson admitted that God is getting all handsy-gropey-fingerbangey with him:
David Brody: “How is that conversation going with God about this potential presidential run? Has He grabbed you by the collar yet? I read an article about that.”
Ben Carson: “I feel fingers. But it’s mostly me. I have to be sure and it’s part of my personality that says always look before you leap but don’t leap before you have to.”
David Brody: “I do cover the Presidential campaign trail. May I potentially see you there soon?”
Ben Carson: “I think there is a good chance you might.”
Carson shouldn’t read too much into God’s digital presidential penetration ass-play since He previously encouraged Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann, Tim Pawlenty, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Pat Robertson, and Ronald Reagan; making God 2-8 which is pretty awful for a deity who supposedly who sees all and knows all.
I blame ACORN and the New Black Panthers.
On the other hand, Carson’s belief that God wants him to run was foretold in The Book of South Park, Cartman 13:2.
You really can’t argue with that…