7 perfectly good reasons why you won’t be having sex with this creepy pastor’s daughter this weekend
The Godly man above is the Rev. Dr. Jerry R. Johnston — who once had a very nice fundamentalist church that went broke in Kansas which is a very hard thing to do with so many sheep to be sheared — and his lovely and equally Godly daughter Danielle.
With the weekend upon us and Date Nite rapidly approaching, you should probably not waste your time trying to ‘make time’ or attempt to ‘go sparkin’ with Danielle. It seems that she comes equipped with a very detailed set of rules and provisions from her dad that will only earn you a nice firm handshake at the end of the evening, no matter if other parts of your body are equally firm.
Also, too , this video was shot about 18 years ago and Danielle may already be married to a Duggar — not that means that she doesn’t seek a little “communing with the Lord” on the side from time to time.
Her dad, who may have the creepiest delivery of anyone calling himself a “communicator,” has “7 Simple Rules for Dating My Christian Daughter.”
So you can avoid watching the video below, thereby having his voice become the voice-over for your waking nightmare, I will list each rule below — if you still want to “go all the way” with her — along with a brief synopsis.
You can thank me later.
Before we start, Johnston patiently explains “Sex can kill.” So, consider yourself warned. Don’t come running back here whining when you’re dead from sex. I hope it was worth it. Slut.
- “I will date only a growing Christian”
Although that sounds vaguely dirty, IT IS NOT.
“When you go out of God’s family to date, you’re making a horrible mistake.”
That sounds like incest, BUT IT IS NOT.
- “My date mate must be in harmony for God’s will for my life.”
Jerry was once asked by his “date mate” if he had to go speak about God again and he suddenly realized she was a slow God learner. And probably a whore.
- “I will not defraud my date.”
While you may think this means saying, “Yeah, sure I love you. How do these snaps work again?” it actually means you may not attempt to “turn your date on sexually.” This can be easily accomplished by talking like Jerry Johnston. Particularly if you are a woman, even if you are dressing “really revealing” and using your “anatomy.” Ladies: put the boobs away. Uh unh. All of them.
- “I vow to save myself sexually until marriage.”
“Sexuality, your virginity, is something you can never give back, you can never take back.”
Like bathing suits or a flat-screen TV without the box and the styrofoam. You broke your hymen, you bought it.
- “Both of us will be in agreement and submission to our parents.”
This doesn’t really have anything to do with sex. He’s just tired of your eye-rolling, your sass, your obstreperousness, and your slamming doors and screaming “I hate you, I wish I was dead..or you were dead.” [plays Slipknot really loud.]
- “I will put God first on my dates, not myself or or my mate.”
Everybody gets their “cookie,” or nobody gets a “cookie.” And God wants to be first so he can shout out His name. Just like Kanye.
- “I will avoid places, people, and parties which will compromise my convictions.”
“You can’t walk through a mud farm — or a pig farm like I was at the other day — in a white suit, without getting dirt on your suit.”
Just try getting laid after making your date watch that.
Now you can thank me.