Trevor Noah crushes kindergarten Republicans: ‘You can’t be below first place and win’
Another election means another win for Donald Trump, much to the chagrin of the establishment GOP. On Wednesday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah mocked the Nevada caucus for being in the place known for “decisions you’ll always regret.”
Trump’s acceptance speech was an “eloquent” series of non sequiturs and randomness claiming that in his pre-politics life he was greedy for money, grabbing it all for himself. “Now we’re going to be greedy for the United States,” Trump said. “We’re gonna grab, and grab, and grab.”
“What is he even saying?!” Noah exclaimed. “Roargh! Roargh! Roargh!” Noah growled while gesticulating wildly. “That’s not a speech, that’s the battle cry of a pirate.”
Noah continued, saying that Trump’s campaign has descended into madness. “Grab and grab? Are you running for president or PacMan?” He’s decimating everyone, even Marco Rubio who lost “so hard” that he didn’t even stay up for the final results. “Clearly, he knows that the only place he’ll ever beat Trump is in his dreams.”
Cruz, on the other hand, came up with some strange way to not lose when losing. The Texas senator claimed that no nominee has won without winning in the first three states and that there are only two candidates who have won the first three: Trump and Cruz. “That’s a very nice way of saying, ‘I lost two out of the first three primaries,'” Noah slammed. “Only Ted Cruz could shift the double loss into a historic win.”
Poor Cruz is working so hard to paint himself as a viable challenge to Trump, “but the only thing Trump is challenged by is maturity.” Noah then played a clip of Trump calling Cruz a soft, weak, little baby. “How is this man the front-runner in an election, people?!” Noah exclaimed. Only Donald Trump could attack babies and get away with it. “People are like, ‘You know what I like about Trump? He’s finally standing up to babies! Yeah! These babies have had a free ride for too long! We need to get their nose and keep it! We need to keep that nose! Damn babies!'”
Every pundit and Beltway insider thought that Trump would flame out at some point. “He would say something crazy or reveal that his whole campaign is some weird Joaquin Phoenix stunt, but none of that is happening.” Trump won Nevada with more votes than Rubio and Cruz combined.
With Super Tuesday next week, 11 states hang in the balance. “So, if you’re a Republican candidate who wants to win, now is the time to stop losing. You can’t be below first place and win, ok. This isn’t Kindergarten. Despite the level of rhetoric. But instead of chasing for first place, these guys are battling it out for scraps.” Noah showed footage of reporters commenting on the emails coming out of the campaigns following the Nevada caucus that fights back against each other without any attacking Trump. Noah equated it to some sort of prize fight boxing match that he’ll likely have in an arena at his inauguration.
Check out the video below: