Colbert says Cruz is the GOP’s creepy stepdad: ‘Have some butterscotch — I’m your father now’
“The reality show everyone is talking about is the presidential election,” Colbert joked on Wednesday’s “Late Show” after a Bachelor infomercial. He said people are calling it Super Tuesday part III, “and like all sequels it’s getting predictable and very expensive.”
Donald Trump, for example, “delivered a stirring victory tantrum,” Colbert said showing a clip of Trump talking about how much negative advertising he’s received and that his numbers still went up. Trump said that he doesn’t understand it and for once Colbert said that America agreed. “What’s happening?!” he screamed to a photo of Trump.
Maybe Trump is having success due to amazing endorsements. Like “man always staring at the sun” Ben Carson who told an inspiring tale of how he settled on Trump as the nominee. Carson didn’t see pathways to victory for any of the other candidates he liked so he just went with Trump despite preferring another scenario. If things go badly, Carson isn’t worried because Trump would only be there for four years anyway. “That’s a rough endorsement,” Colbert said. “I’ll tell you what. The bar is about to close. You’re not getting any younger and neither am I. Let’s get married.” After all, “how much can go wrong in four years? I mean, World War II just flew by.”
As for the non-front-runner John Kasich, Colbert had a riddle: “What’s round at both ends and has got to be ‘hi’ in the middle?” He pointed at the camera and mouthed, “you.” To secure the nomination at this stage in the game Kasich would need 116 percent of the remaining delegates. That essentially means he would have to win every other state as well as some states that don’t even exist yet. Colbert had some fun naming them saying “Massachippissippi” over and over again in an impressive southern New England accent. Unfortunately, the hope for the GOP was swallowed in a storm of confetti.
That leaves only one person left who can stop Donald Trump: The terrifying Ted Cruz. Colbert screamed in fear with a flashlight under his chin as a green floating head of Cruz appeared next to him. “Because, here’s the deal, mathematically Cruz is the only guy remaining who can beat Donald Trump,” Colbert said. But Cruz has a message for other Republicans involving opening his arms and welcoming them in. Colbert put on some crazy eyes and a creepy face extending his arms out. “Yes, come. Don’t resist, children. I welcome you with open arms. Shhhh, no, shhhh. Here, have some butterscotch. I’m your father now.”
What if Ted Cruz is right? “If every single Trump voter unites behind him, he could get enough delegates to be the nominee. Then the GOP establishment can say, ‘Goodbye, candidate we don’t like! Hello, candidate we can’t stand!'” Colbert said flashing the photo of Cruz. “But if Cruz can’t do it there’s one other way to deny Trump the nomination: A brokered convention.” Basically, a delegate is only obligated to his candidate in the first round of ballot voting. “So if Trump doesn’t get to 1,237 delegates in the first round of voting, they’re all free to vote for whoever. Which is great news. The Republican campaign can start all over again, only this time it’s all crammed into one week. You can binge watch the death of the GOP!”
Of course the GOP prefers to call the “brokered convention” an “open convention.” “Just like, honey, we don’t have a broken marriage! We have an open marriage!”
Check out the video below for more (but skip the first 2:30 minutes)