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How dare Fischer go there to relive one of the United
States’ great victories of the Cold War! There
are bad apples in that country. Remember that Milosevic
fellow? He was bad news. I bet you that Fischer was
there to buy weapons of mass destruction from that
nutball.
What diabolical schemes is Fischer up to these days?
Fischerandon chess. That’s right. He has invented
his own brand of chess, where standard chess pieces
are placed on completely random places on the chessboard.
That evil genius!
In any event, Fischer is behind bars. Now all President
Bush has to do is sit back and wait for the post-Fischer
approval ratings spike. The public will forget all
about Osammy bin-Whatshisface.
Okay, perhaps I’m being a little melodramatic.
Fischer may not be a deadly madman, but he did say
some pretty bad stuff about America. In any event,
the capture of an international fugitive is always
good news. Especially if it is a major fugitive such
as Osama Bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Ayman al
Zawahiri, or most of the rest of Al-Qaida’s
leadership.
What? You mean all of those guys are still free men?
Al-Zarqawi leads the insurgency in Iraq? Are you trying
to tell me that all those reports that said we caught
Dr. al Zawahiri, Osama’s second in command,
were wrong? Oh, he escaped. That’s a pity. Well,
we can still sleep easily knowing that Bobby Fischer’s
reign of terror is over.
To be serious for a moment, the fact is that it is
becoming more apparent that the War on Terror is a
half-assed assault. Almost three years after he was
responsible for the deaths of 3000 civilians on United
States soil, bin Laden is still at large. In fact,
it seems that he is no closer to being captured than
he was on September 10, 2001.
Gen. David Barno, commander of U.S. and Coalition
troops in Afghanistan, just recently backed off his
claim that Bin Laden would be captured this year.
Of course, something very important is happening this
year. Something happening in November. That’s
right: The Jets and the Dolphins are playing Monday
Night Football! It’s always an old-fashioned
barnburner when these two hated rivals meet!
When compared to week 8 football, the election becomes
an afterthought. However, Bush’s reelection
chances would improve if Public Enemy #1 were captured
or killed. This knowledge begs the question: Mr. President,
if you’re planning to catch bin Laden at all,
wouldn’t it make more sense to do it during
an election year? You know, to get votes and all that
good stuff? Votes are good. You proved that you can
still win if you have fewer votes than the other guy,
but it at least has to be close to steal the election.
General Barno backing off of the claim that could
have made him look like Miss Cleo shows the administration’s
mindset: we probably aren’t going to catch this
guy any time soon, so let’s not get the public’s
hopes up.
And now the President is issuing terror warnings
again. Apparently, evil doers are going to disrupt
something and then do something else to something
something. Sorry, I stopped paying attention after
millions in the rural Midwest bought entire warehouses
of plastic sheets and duct tape. Even though we can
get no specific evidence, I am sure that there is
a real terror threat. Unfortunately, telling the public
that there is nonspecific information that a nonspecific
individual or individuals may or may not be plotting
an attack on a nonspecific target in a nonspecific
hemisphere is not going to alleviate any danger. How
should the government stop the threat of terror, you
might ask? After all, not everything is in their hands.
However, I have a novel idea on how to help prevent
terror this election season. Ready? FIGHT TERRORISM!!
Stephen Flynn, former presidential advisor and author
of the new book “America the Vulnerable: How
Our Government Is Failing to Protect Us From Terrorism,”
says that almost none of the 8 million cargo containers
shipped to the US each year are inspected. Furthermore,
he believes that it would cost $600 million to install
scanning systems in ports worldwide.
What else does $600 million buy? Well, you could
buy about 2.3 Alex Rodriguezes over 10 years. You
could go on a great 600,000,000 item shopping spree
at your local dollar store. Or, you could get about
four days of fighting in Iraq. The United States pays
about $600 million for each four days of fighting
in Iraq. You can ship almost anything into the country
via our wonderful port system. Adding a worldwide
scanning network would cost chump change. It would
raise the nation’s total shipping costs by 1.5
percent.
If President Bush stays in the Whitehouse, we cannot
win the war on terror. Could John Kerry win it? Probably
not. But one thing is for certain: If Bush stays in
the Whitehouse past this year, we have a better than
average shot of losing.
Well, at least we are forever safe from the threat
of Bobby Fischer.
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