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It was rousing yet thoughtful, historical yet addressing
very up-to-the-minute issues, heartfelt yet still
dealing with policy. Overall, it was awfully, awfully
Republican, no?
Part I: New York, New York!
Great intro! You’re rightly identified with
this fine city, and you’re her best cheerleader.
Better yet, you’re the city’s overly affectionate
lover and she your mistress, demanding and accepting
compliments and gifts, forcing you to forget past
lovers as she stays by your side. I’m sorry,
Rudy – I forgot to whom I was speaking. You
get the analogy, though. You’re the city’s
protector, her night in shining armor. She’s
scared, delicate, a shy princess in a chaotic kingdom…
Hooray! I feel like I’m watching a big, gay
Broadway musical!
“So long as George Bush is our president, is
there any doubt they will continue to hear from us?”
This line makes me nervous. It may be too early for
a rhetorical question. Besides, “hear from us”
seems a bit limp-wristed. Isn’t that what football
bullies say to nerds in bad high school movies after
they lose their first fight? “You got me this
time, Lucas, but you’ll be hearing from me!”
Consider deleting.
In fact, you throw in these cheap pot-shots throughout
the speech – three paragraphs later, you joke
“I don’t believe we’re right about
everything and Democrats are wrong. They’re
wrong about most things.” This is funny because
you’re a Republican… I think you see where
I find this falling flat. Again, you’re like
the high school bully who has the lunchroom’s
attention but loses face when you make a lame comment.
Part II: 9/11, or Freaky Friday
(Giuliani – Bush Edition)
This part really confused me. It’s like you
and President Bush switched bodies during the time
of and just after 9/11. It was you at the site during
the attack, right? It was you who was celebrated by
the workers and the victims’ families, right?
It was you who kept us unified, whether Democrat or
Republican, by your insistence that New York would
recover, would survive this horror.
But your speech here, Rudy. I guess the body switch
happened as you put your hand on the Police Commissioner’s
arm and said “Bernie, thank God George Bush
is our President.” Cue the spacey music and
bad wavy special effects and maybe a puff of smoke.
Next thing you know, the President’s photo-op
at the site of the wreckage becomes a heroic insistence
on joining the workers as they recover bodies. And
I guess you become the lame duck reading a children’s
book in Florida and chewing your lip? Aw Rudy, why
do that to yourself? Consider revising this section
significantly.
Part III: Europe did it! Europe
did it!
I don’t know your academic background, but
this history part makes me a little uneasy. It’s
not that the facts are wrong – we’ll get
a fact-checker on that – but your slant on it
is distinctly anti-European. With a name like Giuliani,
and with all due respect, I’d hope you’d
be a bit more understanding and even sensitive to
issues in European history. This line – “So
terrorists learned they could intimidate the world
community and too often the response, particularly
in Europe, would be accommodation, appeasement and
compromise” – really marks the spot when
you’re slamming the Euros. They were good allies
once, Rudy. Are we ready to lose them? They have their
strengths – in fact, many Americans have very
strong connections to that continent.
But if that line worried me, this other line made
me almost shit my pants. “Before Sept. 11, we
were living with an unrealistic view of our world
much like observing Europe appease Hitler…”
Oh Rudy, how could you? Dredging up an old grudge
like this is a little bit embarrassing, so consider
deleting. At this point, you’re kind of like
those obnoxious American college kids who go around
England saying, “If it weren’t for us,
you’d all be speaking GERMAN!” No one
likes that kid, Rudy. Even his friends, even the ones
laughing, find him over the top, and they fear reprisal.
Again, consider deleting.
Part IV: Take me to your leader….
I guess it’s time to start the Bush-love-athon.
I understand your reasoning, it is the RNC, but I
don’t know about bringing up a quote even most
Republicans remember with a certain awkwardness. Look,
we were all swept up in the post-9/11 fear, and we
all wanted protection first and foremost. But repeating
the line, “Either you are with us or you are
with the terrorists” is dangerous. Didn’t
you see all those college kids with the t-shirts quoting
this line on the front, with the back reading TERRORIST
in big letters? They thought it was hilarious, and
I even found it a bit clever. Consider ending the
quote early – I know you love a flashy finish,
but you’re asking for it using this line.
And now we get to Winston Churchill and Ronald Reagan.
Churchill’s fine – he’s remembered
as a statesman, a tough leader in a politically chaotic
time, a national head of state who triumphed in the
face of war. Oh, but he’s English, which is
really European, and you’ve just really trashed
them. In fact, his country faced some heavy bombing
from Hitler and you made that comment about much of
Europe appeasing Hitler and… well, this is awkward.
As for Ronald Reagan – I say go gangbusters.
This man just photographed really, really well, so
I’m sure they can throw a beautiful portrait
of him up for a backdrop while you’re speaking.
He had some problems with education, labor, LGBT activists
(the AIDS thing was troublesome, no?), women…
On second thought, let’s not go on too long
about him. The similarities to Bush are getting to
be more trouble than they’re worth.
Part V: Kerry Gets a Wedgie
Now in this part, I’m afraid you’re returning
to your schoolboy taunts, and that makes me a bit
uncomfortable. Did the Democrats really indulge in
this kind of schoolyard bullying? I don’t recall.
I give you credit for your Kerry shout-out –
“I respect him for his service to our nation”
– and I’m pleased to not see any mention
of his “smoking daughter” in this version,
but I think you may consider revising this part significantly.
The problem is this, Rudy: when you start quoting
Kerry to make him look foolish, you’re just
giving the Democrats a good idea. Bush has made literally
a book (or two?)’s worth of slips of the presidential
tongue. Also, your crack about Edward’s two
Americas is a bit embarrassing given the Republican
efforts to impoverish the lower class out of existence.
Maybe we should steer clear of using their words against
them, okay?
And you chime in with this isolationist rhetoric
again that smacks of nationalist paranoia: “Remember
— remember just a few months ago John Kerry
kind of leaked out that claim that certain foreign
leaders who opposed our removal of Saddam Hussein
prefer him. Well to me that raises the risk that he
might well accommodate his position to their viewpoint.”
Rudy, you sound like a crazy person screaming in a
city park here. Consider deleting – you’ve
made your point. I don’t think signing the Kyoto
Treaty or participating in an international court
is quite the same as ordering every house to always
keep a wheel of brie “because France said so.”
Part VI: Working Class Minstrel
Show
This part, too, made me a bit nervous. Here, you
discuss Bush insisting on staying at the wreckage
of the Twin Towers longer than secret service wanted.
This is certainly in line with your description of
him as hard-headed, stubborn, reluctant to listen
to even his closest advisors. But your description
of his conversation with the construction workers
really sounds like some kind of caricature. Their
arms bigger than your legs, their inappropriate behavior
(insisting on giving him advice, using “their
own language,” i.e. crass language) with the
Head of State, their aggression. And in case we think
you’re being dismissive of these hard-working
Americans, you have Bush answer to one of them, who
just had his man-to-man, locker room talk with Bush,
“I agree.” Oh, Rudy… And then this,
about the worker: “He lost total control of
himself, forgot who he was dealing with, he leaned
over, he grabbed the president of the United States
in this massive bear hug and he started squeezing
him.” The two became one, literally! What’s
a little physical affection between guys? I mean,
it’s a BEAR hug, right?
I find this whole story troublesome. America is just
not full of thuggish men the rest of the world should
fear. In fact, construction sites are not full of
thuggish men the rest of the world should fear, despite
this story. America, and construction sites, are full
of men and women from all over the world, Americans
who want peace and prosperity, for their partners,
their families, their fellow citizens. The thuggish
men you envision here – I fear you conjured
this image up in your imagination rather than witnessed
it, I’m afraid – that’s just how
it reads – are the ones who scrawled racist
comments on mosques, screamed rude things at people
of South Asian descent as they walked down the street,
wrote fierce op-eds calling for immediate aggression
in any number of countries around the world. This
fervor led to the loss of civil liberties; led to
a war in Afghanistan that we never finished; led to
a war in Iraq that should never have started, based
on false pretenses as it was; and led to far too many
civilian casualties in the Middle East.
You know as well as I do that many heroes have come
from the attacks of 9/11 – men and women who
truly remained calm in moments of great tumult, who
gave so much of themselves – even their lives
– to help others. You saw it closer than most
of us did, so I don’t know why you’re
so insistent on shifting your once-heroic stature
to a man who continues to imperil Americans due to
his corporate greed, ignorance, and stubbornness.
It isn’t manly, it isn’t impressive –
it’s fast becoming a global embarrassment. Consider
revising this pseudo-macho nightmare.
Part VII: Shiny, Happy People
You devote this section to the bipartisanship you
enjoyed following 9/11. Here again, Rudy, you and
President Bush switch places. Boston, Chicago, Democrats
– they reached out to you and to New York despite
George Bush, not because of him. Are you misremembering?
You segue quickly and awkwardly into Saddam’s
removal. Major problem here, Rudy. “He was himself
a weapon of mass destruction,” you claim. Yikes,
this smarts. Again, I’m afraid you’re
opening yourself up to criticism. Look at what we
did in Afghanistan – the country, to the people.
Look what we’ve started in Iraq, announcing
the war is over and watching over a year later as
over 800 American men and women get killed there.
Easy does it, urban cowboy – I think you should
remove the Saddam references.
You also state, “Rather than trying to grant
more freedom, or create more income, or improve education
and basic health care, these governments deflect their
own failures by pointing to America and to Israel
and to other external scapegoats.” Oops again,
Rudy! That’s George Bush’s tactic! Just
replace America and Israel with the Axis of Evil,
and you have the Bush administration (less civil liberties,
lower to no income, worse education with the ever-failing
No Child Left Behind Act, over-priced healthcare).
You gotta stop giving these liberals ammo!
Part VIII: Bush as Deity
I wouldn’t have mentioned any religious worship
of Bush except that you bring up the Old Testament.
The separation-of-church-and-state people shift awkwardly
in their seats at that point, and you drop in this
sentence: “[Bush] can see into the future.”
Rudy, please delete.
You go on to say “We’ll see an end to
global terrorism. I can see it. I believe it. I know
it will happen.” But didn’t Bush himself
say he doesn’t see an end to this? When the
followers become more confident of their leader than
the leader is of himself, it’s time to worry.
That’s when the leader gets desperate, and next
thing you know, everyone’s drinking Kool-Aid.
Something to think about, Rudy.
Conclusion: Long Live Republicans!
Your ending is like a General speaking to his soldiers
after a heroic battle – like an American Braveheart!
You envision peace, you envision a return to terror-struck
lands, you envision freedom for all! Again, it was
like a lavish Broadway musical, with a stirring finale:
“God bless each one we have lost, every soul,
every single person here and abroad, and their families.
God bless all those who are currently at risk and
in harm’s way defending our freedom. And God
bless America.” Bum-bum-bum….. jazz hands!
Polish this speech up, Rudy, and you might have something.
A lot of deletions, a lot of revisions, but I think
we can try to prevent your New Yorkers, the people
who once held you in such high regard, from out-and-out
stoning you in the streets. For New York is not your
innocent princess, and neither New York nor America
needs a big warrior to save us. We need some sense,
we need cooperation, we need community, and if you
deliver this speech, I think we’ll need you
to kindly step out of the way.
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