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According
to Kim Jong Il's cook, the petty dictator's sizable harem is his
best-kept secret. "Nuclear weapons are obviously no big deal,"
he reportedly told his cook during a midnight snack. "But
if the Americans find out that I have sex, they'll try to depose
my ass — look at what they did to Bill Clinton."
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In other freaky-haired news, ostentatious nitwit Donald Trump
has filed a trademark application for the phrase "You're
fired." The application argues that Trump should get the
trademark because he uses the phrase frequently in a specific,
high-profile setting.
The U.S. Trademark and Patent Office reported that it has received
similar trademark applications from Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao
("You're a rogue province!"), Pope John Paul II ("You're
buuuuuu…" drool, drool), and Michael Jackson ("You're
such a good boy!")
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Two of the world's best-known men spent St. Patrick's Day doing
pretty much the same thing.
While
their friends were out getting loaded on green beer and $1 wells,
both Dubya and Osama sat around the house, sober and lonely, eating
soggy chips and replaying their familiar fantasies of righteous
world domination.
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As Saddam Hussein's trial approaches, Iraqi officials are trying
to decide which of his associates and supporters should stand
alongside him at the bar.
"There
are so many people who backed Saddam during his worst atrocities,
and it's a shame that so many of them will get off scot-free,"
said one member of the Iraqi Governing Council. "We can't
decide if we should try Ronald Reagan posthumously — and
it might be hard to extradite Margaret Thatcher and Reagan's special
envoy Donald Rumsfeld."
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A Congressional report released last week reveals that Dubya and
his War Quartet — Condi, Colin, Dick and Don — have
made at least 276 misleading public statements about the threat
posed by Iraq. According to the report, the deception began on
March 17, 2002, when Cheney said, "We know they have biological
and chemical weapons." The Fine Print thinks the lies began
years before, when Dubya took the oath of office.
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Hamid Karzai announced that Afghan national elections might have
to wait a month or two because only 15 percent of eligible citizens
are registered to vote.
In
order to meet American demands for a legitimate election, Karzai
must have 50 percent of the population registered and an MTV-sponsored
Rock the Vote campaign utterly fail to convince more than 15 percent
of them to vote.
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And finally, new research indicates that full-facial veiling cuts
down on nose and throat cancer. According to Kamal Malaker, head
of radiation oncology at King Abdul Aziz Hospital, women in Saudi
Arabia experience a much lower rate of nasopharyngeal cancer because
the hijab cuts down on exposure to cancer-causing viruses like
Epstein Barr. On the down side, the veils block peripheral vision,
making it difficult to cross the street.
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