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To
this end, we bring you a smattering of stories on the state of
the American family and their happy, well-tended children:
In
Fresno, California, a 57-year-old man was arrested for killing
seven of his children and two of his grandchildren. Police found
their bodies stacked in a back room while the living room held
ten empty wooden caskets, one of which was presumably intended
for the paterfamilias.
A
group of young women — including three adults — beat
a 12-year-old Baltimore girl into a coma after she kissed another
girl's boyfriend on a dare.
Omaha
police followed their noses to find a horribly neglected, sore-ridden
baby in a crib full of urine, feces and maggots. The child was
severely undernourished and had been mostly ignored by its father
for over a month.
A
New York woman was charged with murder after killing her newborns
- one in 1998, the other in 2003 — and hiding their bodies
by encasing them in concrete.
And
just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, a Philadelphia
woman reported that a man had molested her 11-year-old daughter
in a motel room. After several interviews, the cops concluded
that the mother was actually a willing accomplice to the crime.
Here's
to you, breeders! Thanks for keeping the American family a wholesome,
sacred building block of society.
In
case you didn't notice, the world went completely bonkers last
Thursday: terrorist bombs killed hundreds in Madrid, a presidential
impeachment turned South Korea's parliament into a suit and tie
lucha libre, and Krispy Kreme announced that its lab monkeys are
cooking up a new low-sugar, low-fat doughnut, which promises to
be as wonderfully satisfying as nonalcoholic beer and nonstick
glue.
The
announcement came one day after two big fat events.
First,
the Center for Disease Control published findings that the obese
are catching up to smokers in the only race they're likely to
win — becoming the dyingest people in America.
Second,
the House of Representatives voted for a bill that would block
consumers from suing restaurants for "making them fat"
— which bodes ill for my plans to sue Old Crow, Home Depot,
and Hee Hee's Joke Shop for that rubber chicken I've got superglued
to my ass.
Last
week brought two stories on how big oil wins (campaign contributions)
and loses (honest elections) in America.
Residents
of Harpswell, Maine (pop. 5,239) voted to prevent ConocoPhillips
and Trans Canada from building a natural gas processing plant
off its lobster-rich shores. The oil giants promised $8 million
a year in taxes and lease revenues to the fishing town, where
a quarter of the residents make less than $25,000 year.
Nevertheless,
three-quarters of the town's voters turned out to tell the potential
polluters to take a hike. It just goes to show that there are
some things money can't buy.
But
a drilling permit of questionable legality isn't one of them.
The Department of Interior eased drilling restrictions on New
Mexico's Otero Mesa, a stretch of "pristine" desert
grassland, despite opposition from environmentalists, hunters,
property-rights activists, and the governor, who released an official
state report stating that the plan violates "numerous state
laws, rules, policies, programs and plans."
Unsurprisingly,
an oil baron and Republican donor stands to gain the most from
the controversial decision.
George
Yates's HEYCO corporation owns more leases on the Otero Mesa land
than anyone else. Yates has sent hundreds of thousands of dollars
in contributions to GOP organizations over the years and hosted
a major fundraiser for Dick Cheney in his home in 2002.
Moreover,
Yates is financially well connected to J. Steven Griles, No. 2
at the Department of Interior, having hired Griles to lobby the
Bureau of Land Management in 2001.
The
lesson? You can buy a federal agency, but you can't buy a fishing
town in Maine.
And
finally, a Polish nun was arrested for drunkenly driving a tractor
into a car outside her convent. She was 17 times over the country's
legal intoxication limit — which is only 8.5 times over the
legal limit in most U.S. states.
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