PRESIDENT'S MAILBAG
An open letter to President Bush: Proposal on jobs

By Tracy Williams
RAW STORY CONTRIBUTOR

From: Tracy Williams (sleepofswords@mac.com)
Date: June 12, 2004 9:41:42 PM EDT
To: president@whitehouse.gov
Subject: Hooking a brother up

Dear Mr. President:

Hello. My name is Tracy Williams and I have an exciting proposal for you!

I've been following the news recently, and two things have come to my attention; first, that there appears to be a presidential election coming up later this year, and secondly, that many polls show that you and your opponent, Senator John Kerry, are currently running neck and neck. Some polls even show that you're trailing Mr. Kerry. I'm certain this must all be very stressful for you, and perhaps you even stay up nights, wondering what it is you can do to get just one more vote. Nobody knows better than you that every vote counts.

I, personally, have been stressed out for a somewhat similar reason. While you're worried about losing your job, I'm currently very worried about not being able to find a job.

For the last three months I have been unemployed and struggling to find anybody that will hire me to do anything. At first, my standards were kind of high, as I'd just gotten out of a job that was driving me insane and it was important to me to find something I enjoyed. But as time went by and money became more and more of a pressing problem, my standards got lower and lower until I was willing to do just about anything that would pay my bills. Unfortunately the lowering of my standards has not translated into any new job opportunities.

The more I search for jobs, and the more I talk to people who have recently managed to find jobs, the more I am starting to realize that getting a job these days requires knowing somebody on the inside. Qualifications, while helpful, are really secondary to having a friend who can pull a string or put in a good word for you. So, the other evening, as I was having my normal dinner of water and Tootsie Roll Pops, a brilliant solution occurred to me: you need my vote, and I need a job. If you can talk to some people and find me a decent job in the next 30 days, I am willing to cast my vote for you this November.

According to the media, my vote is crucial to your "re"-election. I believe I am what the media refers to as a "swing voter." I have previously always voted Democratic because my political views have always been left of center, but recently I have been questioning whether I am truly a liberal or a conservative. On the one hand, I believe in abortion rights and universal health care. I also believe that art and culture are important parts of a healthy society, I believe in marriage rights for homosexuals, I believe that a government has a responsibility to help its citizens as much as is reasonably possible, and I believe ensuring access to a good education is the most effective thing a nation can do to provide for its future.

All of these are liberal beliefs. On the other hand, most of these beliefs are held strictly in theory. When it gets right down to it and I am honest with myself, I have to admit that in my day to day life I'm a self-interested ass and I don't really give much of a fuck about anybody but me and my friends, which is more of a conservative outlook. So I'm on the proverbial fence. Mr. President, I'm offering you the opportunity to exploit my uncertainty.

So let's talk compensation for that vote. As I said before, my standards are rather low. As long as the job pays over $20k a year and does not involve customer service or retail (history has shown that I lack the "people skills" for these types of positions), I'll take it. My background is primarily in journalism, with some knowledge of IT (mostly Mac-based), but really, I imagine that somebody as well connected as you can quite easily find me a position that doesn't require any actual knowledge, experience or skill. I feel that this would be ideal.

There's more, though. If the position you find me pays over $30k a year, I'm willing to vote for you and wear a Bush/Cheney '04 button for one day per month from now until November. And if the position is $40k or more, I'm willing to do both of the above in addition to endorsing you on my livejournal, which could very well have a seismic effect on this election. I have 87 friends listed, and that doesn't even take into account my "lurker" audience, which is probably somewhere in the high single digits. You underestimate the influence I wield as an Internet opinion leader at your own peril. I am African-American ("colored"), and, as you know, Negroes are easily led sheep. Can you imagine how powerful an endorsement from a young Negro would be, especially a Negro who is able to both read and write?

If the job you find for me is outside of the Baltimore/Washington area, I must also ask that you pay my relocation costs — hiring a mover plus security deposit and first month's rent for a new apartment — and also buy me a new car. I don't really need flashy wheels, so depending on the location of my new job, I see this adding about $15,000 to $20,000 to the total. Please note that it may be worth looking into relocating me to a closely contested state like Ohio or Pennsylvania, where my vote will be all the more helpful to you. (I would suggest Florida, but I imagine Jeb has probably got your back down there.)

I understand that the economy is still weak, and you may be unable to find me a job despite your best efforts. If that is the case, but you still want to reap the benefits of this deal, I am willing to accept a lump sum payment in lieu of actual employment. Chances are I would hold whatever job you got for me for five years, so depending on what level of support you want from me, the lump sum would come to either $100,000, $150,000 or $200,000. Granted, this may seem like a lot of money, but I have taken the liberty of doing a little research and I see that you've raised over $185 million dollars for your campaign so far, so really the largest possible lump sum comes to a mere 0.00108 percent of your "war chest." That seems like a ridiculously small price to pay for the guarantee of having me in your corner come November, doesn't it?

(I am not a lawyer, so I am not certain whether using campaign donations as direct payment for the vote or endorsement of a private citizen violates campaign finance laws. Please run this past your private counsel, as I know that you are a stickler for abiding by the letter of the law. Perhaps if I declare myself a corporation we can find a workaround or loophole.)

I know that you will come through for me, Mr. President. I have always felt a special kinship with you. Like me, you've quit or failed at just about everything you've ever attempted to do, but you've always had high-placed, high-powered pals to hook your shit up afterwards. This is your chance to give back a little and right the karmic balance, while simultaneously increasing your chances of getting another four years in which to rape the planet, kill innocents, enrich the elite at the expense of the struggling, and eviscerate the Constitution, all in the name of Good.

It's a win-win. Let's roll!

Yours in Christ,
Tracy L. Williams