| Luckily, I had a plant:
an anonymous source whose position and credentials
are highly confidential and somewhat suspect. Hey,
if that standard’s good enough for Fox News,
it’s good enough for me. While I cannot confirm
the events as described, I was at least able to verify
that these parties did indeed take place (let’s
see Fox go to that much trouble). Some highlights,
as reported to me, follow:
* Comcast/Citigroup dinner for Tom Daschle: Representatives
from Comcast repeatedly introduced male Democratic
lawmakers to single women who “just love [their]
work.” None of these women knew anything about
politics, many were limping, and all made it a point
to mention the cache of contraceptives they have in
their purses. Some delegates later discovered that
these condoms were imprinted with the Comcast corporate
logo.
* Biotechnology Industry Organization reception at
Museum of Science: In what looked to be the lamest
convention party ever, a sample girl in a Pfizer apron
treated each guest to a taste test. Fears quickly
subsided, however, as each delegate was given two
brownies: one containing Zoloft and another containing
“Leading Brand B.” While she conceded
that “Leading Brand B” was cheaper and
contained far fewer harmful side effects, the entire
delegation agreed that Zoloft “did the job.”
* Time-Warner reception at Tia’s: A drunken
Ted Kennedy attempted to toss Dennis Kucinich for
sport. When Kucinich eluded him, Kennedy removed his
tie, opened a “Kerry 2004” button rather
widely, and lunged for Zell Miller shouting, “Pin
the tail on the jackass!”
* Bay State Stonewall Democrats event for Barney
Frank, offices of Goulston & Storrs: Self-described
“left-handed gay Jew” Frank recounted
receiving the “strangest calls” from Sen.
Rick Santorum at all hours of the night. No one was
surprised.
* Elaine Shuster’s reception for the Clinton’s
at the State Room: As a public show of non-aggression,
Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. John Edwards shared
a slow dance. She smiled widely, but “accidentally”
stepped on his feet four times. After the fifth, Bill
asked to cut in. When Hillary refused and stepped
on Edwards’ foot a sixth time, Bill grew visibly
jealous, began to unzip his pants and bellowed something
to the vice presidential candidate about seeing “who
the bigger man really is.” A limping Edwards
retreated as Hillary harshly explained something to
Bill, who then laughed, nodded and walked away.
*American Gas Association’s late-night reception
for the Congressional Hispanic Caucus at the Felt:
Lobbyists repeatedly approached members of congress
with the same predicament: They had discovered an
envelope full of old $100 bills (or “soft money”
as they call it), but could not understand what was
written on it: “Tomaría mucho para conseguirle
cambiar su voto en ese pedazo particular de legislation?”
Perhaps the congressman could help them determine
what is supposed to be done with the cash.
* Press Area, as Bill Clinton was wrapping up his
speech: Spying the recently canned Anne Coulter sneering
from the side, Arianna Huffington couldn’t resist
a good confrontation about her rejected USA Today
column. “So Anne,” She asked coyly, “What’s
this I hear about all the pretty girls being Republican?”
“Well, Arianna,” Coulter fired back, “I
suppose it means that when I hit your age, I’ll
change sides too.”
“You know, Anne,” She replied in an increasingly
thick Greek accent, “There are good things about
getting older. You get wiser. Some of us get even
better looking. And, in your case, you never know:
Maybe your other testicle will descend.” Upon
hearing this, Anne attempted to clutch a handful of
Arianna’s hair, and failing to do so, made a
hard jab at her opponent’s jugular with the
side of her hand. Mo Rocca called for security while
the rest of the press corps gathered, chanting “cat
fight!” and “bitch fight!”
By the time the two were broken up, Bill Clinton
had finished his speech and even had caught the end
of the scuffle. As a colleague of Edwards told a staggering
Coulter that he’d “seen the whole thing,”
Clinton approached Huffington. Thinking for a brief
moment that his approach might have something to do
with her having written a book implying that, during
his presidency, Socks the cat was the only moral presence
in the White House, Arianna stood frozen. She was
pleasantly surprised to hear Clinton ask, “Just
out of curiosity, how did you manage to get her pinned
down that fast?”
“Bill, I’m Greek and I was married to
a gay man for a number of years,” she answered.
“I know how to pin a someone down.”
“Mind showin’ me some time?” He
asked.
*Luncheon for Alice Huffman, hosted by the United
Way: People repeatedly asked the question, “Who
is Alice Huffman?” Eventually, it was determined
that she is the chairwoman of the Democratic National
Convention. A congressman from California said aloud,
“Oh, I thought that was McAffey.” No one
corrects him on either count.
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