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They pulled this “think for the masses”
routine at least once before, in a far more deplorable
context. They gave soldiers in Iraq letters written
by Rummy and Co. to sign and send to their local newspapers.
Editors at many major newspapers were caught with their
pants down by readers who pointed out that the exact
same letter was appearing in papers around the country,
signed by different soldiers.
Not to be outdone by Rumsfeld, I’ve made up a
few of my own letters for like-minded readers to cut
and paste (or print and send) to the appropriate parties.
It’s very simple. Just leave the majority of the
text just as it is. For specific details, you will find
a number of options enclosed in parenthesis. If you’re
e-mailing your letter in, simply delete the options
that do not apply to you. If you’re sending yours
through the mail, just circle the choice that best describes
our feelings.
*
To the United States Secret Service:
This letter is to inform you that, while I do indeed
disagree with the President of the United States, I
am not presently plotting his death. It has been brought
to my attention that my (new film / latest book / new
single / school art project / recent water cooler conversation
/ t-shirt / abortion) may be interpreted by some to
have been a threat against the President’s life.
This was not my intention.
As a (concerned citizen / military parent / humanitarian
/ thinking human being / supporter of the bill of rights),
I do disagree with the President, and even (sometimes
/ often / every living moment) imagine how much better
the world would be without him. But I could never, as
a (Christian, end / Buddhist, take / humanitarian, take/
parolee, get away with taking) the life of another human
being.
Thank you in advance for respecting my civil liberties,
(Your Name Here)
Frightened Citizen.
*
Dear Editors,
Please, for the love of God, stop writing about Pat
Tillman.
Like all of those fallen in the line of duty, I mourn
Tillman and (pray / have only the best wishes) for his
family. But just because someone was offered $3.5 million
a year to play a game that most boys outgrow when they
discover girls doesn’t make their life more valuable
than any other. He could play a game very, very well.
We get it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not belittling
his skill, or the choice that he made. I’ve never
understood why it suddenly becomes okay to hate jocks
and love nerds when we turn 19. If he had been a genius,
I’d have the same opinion. We’re all born
with what we have, and it’s as wrong to hate athletically
gifted people as adults as it was to hate the athletically
deficient in High School.
It’s just that I get the sense that the word
“hero” is being thrown at Tillman because
he could play football, not because he died defending
our country against fictional weapons of mass destruction.
That’s not only wrong, it’s (a dishonor
to the memory of all those who serve in Iraq / stupid
/ laziness on the part of the news media).
How about writing a similar obituary for every soldier
that dies in Iraq? Oh, that’s right—you
only have (one / two) front pages a day.
Best Wishes,
(Your Name Here)
Bored Reader.
*
Dear Mister Nader,
I respectfully request that you get the hell over yourself.
You have had two attempts to win the White House, and
both times failed to crack 5%. While I appreciate (all
you’ve done for the American consumer / your hand
in costing me three swing states, Jackass / what you’ve
done to help promote the Green Party), you’ve
made your point, and you’re not going to get anywhere
by helping Bush win the White House again.
Please do not continue to delude (yourself / Greenies
who yearn to be martyrs / voters) into thinking that
you’re doing a public service. Your argument that
Democrats and Republicans are all alike kinda fell apart
the moment John Ashcroft became Attorney General. (John
Kerry is / I was / Democrats are) “as bad as Bush.”
Sure, and Saddam Hussein was another Adolf Hitler. Helping
give Bush another four years to (make a point / send
a message to the Democrats / inflate your megalomaniacal
ego) would be childish and self-defeating at best.
Please (bow out / spend the remainder of the campaign
working to bring Green ideas into the Democratic mainstream
/ drop dead you stupid old ass), for the good of your
own ideals.
Sincerely,
(Your Name Here)
Pissed-off Greenie realist.
*
Dear Editors (of the New York Times),
I really, really wanna know just exactly what you’re
smokin’, and who your dealer is. Must be some
primo shit. Factual errors, false stories—oh,
and that editorial about Schwarzenegger!
That must have been a serious trip. When you went on
about how great it was that he borrowed that shitload
of money… said he was living up to a “campaign
promise”. Was the room spinning when you wrote
that? Were the walls melting? You obviously forget that
he faked a coronary when Davis proposed the same thing.
Did you black out on that one? Damn, you even forgot
that he still can’t pay for the car tax he revoked,
which got local governments even more fucked up than
you must have been.
Maybe he’s smokin’ it, too. He forgot all
about that audit all his advertisements went on and
on about…
Where can I score this shit?
(Your Alias Here)
Envious stoner.
*
Dear Producers (Of The View),
When will you be kicking that (unbelievably stupid
/ obnoxious / unbelievably stupid / annoying / unbelievably
stupid) new girl off? I really want to know, because
I’d like to start watching again. The problem
is that she’s too (repulsive, in body and spirit
/ goddamned dumb / unbearably dim-witted) to bear through
the opening segment. I haven’t seen a guest make
it to the set since Ling’s last show.
Last time I tried to watch, she (made countless false
analogies, / recounted losing her keys in the refrigerator,
/ made Joy Behar bite her lower lip so hard I could
see blood collecting on her chin, / recounted losing
her head in her ass,) and I ended up (damaging my television
with a blunt object / screaming so loud at the television
that Meredith Viera actually asked me to keep it down
/ fleeing the house and running down the street so far
that I couldn’t find my way back home).
This is what you got to follow Lisa Ling? She’s
dumber than the first girl, and she was kicked off just
for being stupid.
You could tell her that she’s still on Survivor,
and she’s been voted off. I think she’ll
buy it.
Sincerely,
(Your Name Here)
Former Viewer.
*
Dear (Psychiatric / Medical / Science) Professional,
While I am, unlike yourself, unqualified to give a
psychiatric diagnosis, I felt it best to bring to your
attention that (the Attorney General / The President
/ The Vice President) is (clinically insane / developmentally
disabled / legally dead, animated only by a number of
cybernetic implants inserted in a secure location).
I first made this observation when he (spent thousands
of taxpayer dollars to cover up a concrete nipple /
said that he didn’t believe in evolution / dropped
from public view for “recharge.”) I am quite
certain of the validity of my observation, but unsure
of what should be done to help remedy the situation.
This is clearly a sign of a rather serious problem.
(He lost an election to a dead guy, for Chrissake, and
suddenly became Attorney General? / Not only is there
a mountain of evidence to support the theory, but none
to refute it — and the phrase “anatomically
modern man” is suspiciously missing from that
Bible he keeps bringing up. / Dear God, what if the
batteries finally give and Junior ends up in charge?
) What’s next: ( porn police / rethinking that
whole “round Earth” thing / A mad scientist
Secretary of Defense?)
How do I help the patient get the (help / eviction
/ nuclear power cells) that are so clearly, and desperately,
needed?
Thank you,
(Your Name Here)
Concerned Friend.
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