You
don't even need to sit in a tree. Both, of course, are optional.
So is clothing, now that I think about it.
I've
put together a list of a few tips — in no particular order
— that will help you change the world or at least look really
cool to your friends. I promise that none of these require heavy
artillery, toxic gas or singing with a group of rude, smelly hippies.
Just a few tiny ways that you can help make the world a better
place. If anybody actually puts these tips to use, please let
me know through the comments board, and I'll try to make columns
like this a regular feature.
1. Do not buy a new car that gets fewer than 55 miles to the gallon.
Hybrids aren't more expensive than any other new car, and you
spend less on gas. There is no excuse for American automakers
to keep pumping out the standard internal combustion engine.
Actually,
they have an excuse. It's just a bad one. They keep pointing to
hydrogen like a white steed trotting down the road. Sure, its
6 bucks a gallon, requires coal to refine, has no existing infrastructure
to support, and thus far is unworkable, but it'll happen someday.
Meanwhile, hybrid technology is the best thing we can do for public
health, the economy, the environment and national security, but,
then, who has time to address all of those issues when Bono let
the f-word cross his lips more than a year ago?
Call
Ford at 1-800-392-3673 and let them know you're never buying another
gas-guzzler again.
2. Join the ACLU. For $20, you get a nifty card; they teach you
the secret handshake; and you learn how to kill a fascist with
your bare hands. OK, I made up two of those. But maybe they should
develop a handshake at least. Visit
http://www.aclu.org.
3. Call the Federal Communications Commission. Complain that there
isn't enough sex or foul language on the radio or television.
Nobody swears. Nobody talks dirty. It's unrealistic, and as a
taxpayer and part owner of the airwaves, you demand entertainment
suitable for adults, as well as "family" entertainment.
This
is great for college students with a lot of time on their hands.
While you're at it, complain about everything that's wrong with
television. Why should prudish, anal losers be the ones pulling
the strings? Why is "Frasier" taking a backseat to "Friends"?
How did "Mister Ed" talk? Remember that boom mic you
saw during a fight scene on "Star Trek"? How did the
"Golden Girls" eat nothing but cheesecake and fatty
Italian foods, and still live that long?
1-888-CALL-FCC.
Or, just e-mail Michael Powell at Michael.Powell@fcc.gov
. While you're at it, make sure he knows he only has his job because
his daddy was the only black guy that would associate himself
with George W. Bush.
4. Vote.
5. Stop letting losers decide who you vote for. Who actually talks
to pollsters? People who have nothing better to do. This means
retired persons, and, well, losers.
Yet,
the only thing that seems to be driving public opinion now is
public opinion itself. After Kerry won the Iowa caucus, the Democratic
nomination was suddenly his. I guess nobody wants to back a loser.
In other words, a bunch of Iowans got together, had some tea,
and decided who got to be the next president.
The
next time you see a poll on the news, change to the competition.
The next time a politician sites polls in an argument, make sure
someone in his campaign knows that you're not going to vote for
him because of it. And the next time a pollster calls, politely
hang up. You know, the way you've been doing all along.
And,
please, call your grandparents. Make sure they have something
better to do than push Hoover-era ideology back into the national
discussion.
6.
Get one of those bumper stickers that says: "Anyone but Bush
2004."
7. Don't eat M&M/Mars chocolates. They might be small and
sickly looking, but those aren't Oompa-Loompas working in the
cocoa fields — they're child laborers. Don't worry, they're
not all making 7 cents an hour; some were sold into slavery.
M&M/Mars
refuses to offer fair-trade chocolate in spite of these abuses
and the fact that it puts extra economic strain on companies and
countries that are playing fair. And why not call M&M/Mars
at 1-800-627-7852, just to let them know you're not buying their
products anymore?
Use this link.
And
don't let the fact that your kids are spoiled be your excuse to
buy the sweat of other children. Tell them if they want chocolate
or clothes made by sweaty children, you'll wake them up at 5 a.m.
to get started.
8. Go naked in public. Nothing freaks the establishment out quite
like the human body. (Advanced rebels only.)
9. Go to church. I'm serious. The right wing would have you believe
that its brand of hellfire religion is the only one. I'm not religious
myself, but I know that is far from the truth.
If
you believe in a supernatural creator, join a church that shares
those beliefs, and is involved in making the world a better place.
I don't mean one that does so by sending Bibles to Uzbekistan.
I mean one that gives food to the needy. I mean one that is performing
gay weddings (as four of the 10 largest denominations in America
do), even if they are illegal.
And,
remember, there are plenty of religious organizations that don't
require a belief in anything you can't prove. Buddhist organizations,
for instance, are doing great things around the world.
10. Go naked to church. (Very advanced rebels only.)
11. This one's great for the cash-strapped groom: Don't buy diamonds.
There are so many reasons not to. Blood, or "conflict"
diamonds as they are sometimes called, have caused murder, conscription
and mutilation for decades. Diamonds from Australia have forced
Aboriginal people off of sacred lands. They're also a great way
for terrorists and other illegal organizations to launder money.
Besides, they look terribly tacky on a woman under 40.
Diamonds
from Canada, used or "antique" diamonds may not fund
these crimes directly, but they increase demand in the market,
simply misplacing another, bloodier stone.
And in case you didn't know, they're not that rare. If the contents
of one small De Beers safe of raw gems accidentally spilled out
into the market, Elizabeth Taylor would have to file for bankruptcy.
For more information, visit
http://www.onesky.ca/diamonds/.
12. Make Linux your next operating system. Screw Bill Gates and
his plot for world domination.
13. Give gifts that support hunger relief. The money goes to a
good cause, it saves time picking out a gift, and they have to
like it, because, hey, it's for children! UNICEF, for instance,
has a catalog online at http://www.unicefusa.org.
So
you think that UNICEF Christmas cards don't make for a true act
of rebellion, eh? They said that the war in Iraq was for humanitarian
purposes. Imagine what would have happened if someone in Congress
had had the nerve to answer that claim by introducing a bill giving
the first $80 billion to UNICEF instead.
14. Buy your prescription drugs from Canada. There are tons of
Web sites that can be found easily through search engines that
allow you to buy drugs from Canada at huge savings under the prices
you'd pay in America.
Now
here's where it gets rebellious: Call your congressman and tell
him or her about it. Tell them that patents on drugs are the most
horrific misuse of capitalism you can imagine, unless the government
is willing to pay for them until the patent expires.
The
drug lobby, like no other, has a hold on American politics. Americans
are getting gouged, and people are dying, so that drug companies
can make enough money to pay for the seven lobbyists per senator
on Capitol Hill.
Save
hundreds of dollars and help bring da man down! I suggest starting
with www.thecanadiandrugstore.com.
15. Demonstrate for causes you care about. Know when and where
to be by visiting http://www.Protest.net.
Also, you'll find out great little tidbits that you never knew
before. For instance, that international Day Against Police Brutality
falls (somehow fittingly) on the Ides of March.
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