Look, forget the second
part. Just hang on to the quote, and that blithe feeling
it inspires. I started with a blithe feeling, and
you may as well, too.
I like New Year’s Day. I wake up all fresh,
crisp, and psychically baptized for at least a good,
oh, two minutes ‘till I’m fully roused
and remember that linear ‘time’ is a cloddish
human invention, the purpose of which is to give the
illusion of control to us fleshly mites, flailing
inside an expanding universe, expanding to we don’t
know what. This makes sense, since our brains consist
of eighty percent polluted water.
Yet, random or not—and too little too late—what
can be wrong with a pause to contemplate hope and
gratitude in the context of our lives?
Nothing. It’s a lovely thing to do. That’s
why I searched for those who have actually done it.
I intended to present you with a soothing piece,
easy reading, chock full’o Good News about the
world. Truly, my own views exhaust me. I crave a pie
in the face made of stout, fact-based optimism written
by Big Brains who believe that the Age of Aquarius
is nigh, and that the world is aligning towards geysers
of joy.
I slashed through the web (need I say ‘jungle’?)
for ‘good news’ sites, but Jesus’n’Ralph,
there are few. The ones I found—and you could
smell the cheap Birkenstock suede—said
things like, “A pipeline was completed in Rwanda!”
or “Donations replace a Salvadorian farmer’s
stolen hogs!” Well, that’s better than
nothing, of course, but Big Whoop.
Other site options from Hope-ville are mostly religious
propaganda, and embarrassing squawks from my people.
No, not the Hebes, the believers in alien life. A
gaggle of loopy manifestos proclaim, unequivocally,
that “the liberation of Earth (from evil forces)
is imminent!” I think that my fellowship at
Bob Jones University will come through first.
My mind began to gurgle, and veered off to wonder
why, exactly, do actual people, in real live life,
day to day, feel thankful, and what about?
In response, I wrote a letter to my friends, “WHAT
ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR? Excluding your kids, family,
being alive, yada, blah.” I’d like a VISCERAL
answer. No names will be mentioned.”
I now humbly proffer thee insights from this survey:
“I am grateful that 2004 kicked my ass as hard
as it did. I have never lived through a year in which
the Fates bestowed such direct rabbit punches to my
kidneys. The pain was such that I not only had to
rethink huge tracts of my life, but I started planning
how to effect change. There is nothing like a prolonged
psychic ass-whupping to wake you up and make you see
all kinds of stars.”
“I’m grateful that right-wingers hate
me. Weeds out a lot of dick-heads. I’m also
grateful that I can’t afford all the plastic
surgery I want, ‘cause deep down, I’m
scared of being cut.”
“I’m grateful for my principles. No matter
how much my kid whines, I will not get her a pet chicken.
There are a few principles that are un-negotiable,
and I firmly submit that incontinent fowl do not belong
in an urban household.”
“I’m delighted that New Yorkers are starting
to admit privately that they wish they could move
to Los Angeles, and that most of them can’t.
Ha ha.”
“I am grateful for having someone to spend
the holidays with this year. I am grateful to have
a steady sex partner after nearly four years of flying
solo.”
“I’m grateful that Desperate Housewives
is a hit.”
“Grateful? I’ll tell ya, I’m grateful
I can BE grateful. In all the skank world residents
I’ve helped in Beverly Hills lately (retail
sales), I’m seeing very little gratitude. I’m
grateful I’m not hateful, slouching from some
huge Vuitton satchel that breaks my back. I’m
grateful I’m not so insecure that I have to
wear every piece of jewelry I own, and ceaselessly
bark on a cell phone about nothing.”
“I’m grateful to pay taxes. That means
I have a job.”
“I’m glad that my kids aren’t as
fucked up as I was.”
“I’m grateful that I smoke, drink and
take drugs but still have good skin.”
“I’m grateful that citizens of the Ukraine
are showing us what it takes to actually maintain
a democracy since we seem to have forgotten.”
“I thank God for Barbara Stanwyk and David
Lean and the technology that lets me see their images
over and over again, because they’re a damn
sight better than the world outside.”
“This one is a tuffy. My husband is pretty
much homebound. He’s too blind to drive anymore,
and limited by his wheelchair. We’ve spent the
last three Christmases in the hospital, or doing something
associated with going to the hospital, so I guess
I’m kid of grateful this year that we are relatively
healthy.”
“I’m grateful that the people I thought
were assholes are now proving themselves to be exactly
that to everyone who didn’t.”
“I’m thrilled that my HIV treatment is
still working, and that no one in my family or that
I love has died for three months.”
“I’m grateful that I skipped Christmas
so I’m not broke.”
“I’m grateful that, so far, the citizens
of Europe are still telling our government to go fuck
itself.”
* * *
As for me, fellow pilgrims… I am grateful for
the English language, because its so fun to play in.
I am grateful for Thai food. I am grateful for strange
people. And, to break my own rule—‘cause
I’m that kind of girl—and Even Though…
I’m grateful to be alive.
So, Snappy Jew Ear, as my Jewish brother and I used
to say, cracking ourselves up. And, as my friend Silver
barks in vain each year at this portentous time, “Try
not to annoy each other too much.”
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