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More deep thoughts

By Amanda Marcotte
Sunday, July 6, 2008 0:27 EDT
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I can’t help it. I’m addicted to reading the Abstinence Clearinghouse blog. It’s like reading a label of Dr. Bronner’s soap, but even weirder and more perplexing. What I can’t figure out is how the bloggers have survived this long with their high levels of intelligence, when there is so much traffic to wander into or electrical sockets to experimentally poke with forks.

Some recent wisdom culled from the AC blog:

This was recently seen on a billboard, “Sex can wait till marriage. Will you?” Think about it.

That’s from the blogger with the best name ever on an anti-sex blog: HotMama247. She might be my favorite of the bloggers, because everything she writes is like this. You know, deep. You can practically hear the bong water bubbling as she rewards herself for the hard work coming up with these brilliant insights. The other blogger anonymous is also fond of beating you into submission with inanity disguised as insight, with comments like:

“Their bodies were so close together that there was no room for real affection.”

Affection only requires about 2 inches of space, so you can put your elbows down and the problem is fixed.

But they have a new, and sadly kind of smarter blogger named Julia. Smarter in the sense that she can write many sentences in a row without exhausting herself, but not in the sense that she could beat a puppy in a perceptiveness contest. I learn a lot from reading her.

Gloucester High has seventeen pregnant female students.

No joke? How many pregnant male students were there? I bet a lot, because as we all know, guys are such sluts.

NAC believes that abstinence education is the key to preventing future teen pregnancies and protecting the health of high school students!

As a point of comparison, a Dr. Bronner’s label insight:

11th: Tenacity gets it done! 12th: Perfect sense of direction, ESP!

The tragic results of ignorance about how sex works is all over the blog, with comments like this:

Others have attributed the 17 pregnancies to the free day-care center at Gloucester High School and the comprehensive sex education curriculum employed by the school.

Me, I blame the meeting of a sperm and egg 17 separate times. If I’d known day care could get you pregnant, I wouldn’t have roomed with a day care teacher in college. And frankly, I’m shocked that merely knowing how to put a condom on correctly will get you pregnant. I would have honestly thought otherwise.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
 
 
 
 
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