Funkdaddy Supreme’s House O’ Speech

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Barack Obama is apparently going to have his acceptance speech in front of a mockup of the Parthenon or something, an act of hubris unrivaled in modern times.

Of course, there is no backdrop that Obama could have for his speech that wouldn’t play into Republican attacks on his “celebrity” — if he had it in the Pepsi Center, it would be compared to glitzy stage shows by (just throwing out a name here) someone like Madonna. If he took it to a small, intimate setting, it would be compared to a wine party among celebrities. If he takes it to Invesco Field and parachutes in from a blimp and starts shooting streamer guns into the audience in a giant orange top hat, it would be compared to the awesomest shit that ever happened.

What is the proper method for such a presumptuous man as this to accept the nomination of his party? It’s obviously not in any way that a Republican would accept it, because the very acts of hubris that make a man like Obama a foppish dandy dippily doodling his way along to the Oval Office are tamed and converted into powerfully heterosexual normality by the sheer pulsating power of Reaganism. Shall Obama accept the nomination on an upscaled corner stoop, James Clyburn and Maxine Waters shuffling by with a curt, respectful head nod? Should the nomination of the first major party black candidate in America’s history happen in a gloriously reimagined welfare line, where a dolled-up John Kerry dressed as Uncle Sam hands him the welfare check of the $400,000 a year Presidential salary?

Please, you heartland patriots, design the Black Liberal’s Acceptance Speech. And don’t skimp on the Black Power salutes, either.