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All Conservatives Are Racist Pedophiles

By Jesse Taylor
Monday, September 8, 2008 1:40 EDT
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Look, no, there’s no possible way to interpret the title of this post as saying that each and every conservative is a bigoted child-lover. There’s just not.

The standard for Republicans opening their mouths has generally been that they don’t mean the words that come out, but in fact some highly qualified variant on the plain meaning of the words that comes right up to what they obviously meant without actually meaning said thing. If Mitt Romney says that he hopes you die in a puddle of AIDS, all he really meant is that you talk about AIDS a lot and will one day die. In a puddle of it.

Senator James Inhofe (R – Not Really OK) declared today:

“Do you really want to have a guy as commander in chief of this country when you can question whether or not he really loves his country?”

Inhofe later clarified his remarks in a statement, saying “Let me be clear, I am not questioning Sen. Obama’s patriotism, but you have to question why at times he seems so obviously opposed to public displays of patriotism and national pride, like wearing an American flag lapel pin.”

See, Inhofe isn’t questioning Barack Obama’s patriotism, just how he displays his love of country and whether he actually does love his country. That’s as different as night and the opposite of day. It’s the Instapundit theory of communication – the important thing isn’t whether or not you said what you said, but why liberals insist on being shit-eating clowns.

Bonus guy who’s going to say he didn’t say what he said: David Kahane at the National Review. “Kahane”, incidentally, is a psuedonym for a Hollywood screenwriter apparently afeared of MASSIVE HOLLYWOOD RETALIATION for his conservative beliefs. I’d be more afraid of losing work for being such a shitty writer.

For you, my friend, are up against B. Hussein Jr., the Messiah, the Moshiach, and the Mahdi all rolled into one Manchurian package.

Yes, I’m talking about the great Community Organizer himself, the Lion of the Annenberg Challenge; the invisible editor of The Harvard Law Review; the Illinois state senator whose favorite vote was “present”; the speechifying U.S. senator who started running for the White House almost as soon as he got to Washington; the Land of Lincoln’s very own “Cadillac” Deval Patrick on a grander scale — ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, wearing the red trunks with the hammer and sickle on them: the Punahou Kid!

Let me tell you, this man Barry Soetero, a.k.a. the Talking Parrot, is tough. His fight manager, trainer and dialogue coach is none other than David Axelrod, dubbed “Obama’s Narrator,” by the New York Times. Axelrod is the former journalist and political columnist at the Chicago Tribune who switched sides, working on the late Harold Washington’s campaign for mayor, defending Mayor Richie Daley against ludicrous charges of “corruption,” and forming his own influential political-consulting firm. Working both sides of the street — that’s the Chicago Way!

And conservatives wonder why they can’t get movies made. There was an original conservative script for Jurassic Park II, but it mainly involved Richard Dawkins getting pooped on by a brontosaurus for half an hour. Nobody got it.

You’ve got to appreciate someone who can embody contradictory racist attacks in the space of two paragraphs, though. I’m sure he didn’t mean it – just like he didn’t mean it when he burned that cross in front of the daycare he was stalking.

I’m such a scamp.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
 
 
 
 
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