If Scary Black People Vote, Then All Voters Will Be Scary Black People

By Jesse Taylor
Thursday, October 2, 2008 17:28 EDT
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imageAfter years of hairshirted libtards whining and bitching about “vote-stealing machines”, “disenfranchisement” and some bullshit called “the Supreme Court”, conservatives have finally figured out the real threat to democracy: voters without property.

The ongoing conservative obsession with voter fraud is a.) largely bogus and b.) almost entirely focused on eliminating the poor, the elderly, students and minorities from voter rolls. But today marks a new step forward – where we roll back the clock from the advocated Jim Crow-era restrictions on ID and voting that simply result in a lessened likelihood of targeted groups voting to outright disgust at those without property being allowed the franchise.

First, we start with Shelby Holliday, investigating the efforts of groups in Central Ohio to get homeless voters to the polls. There’s nothing actually illegal or unethical about what they’re doing, but the largely black and male (and ergo scary) nature of the voting bloc raises some obvious concerns:

It dawned on me about the time a homeless man stumbled over, reeking of booze and mumbling his words, to ask if he could be on TV. Did these guys even know what was going on??

“Who are you voting for?” I asked another homeless man. “Baraaaack,” he replied. “I want him to do his thang, you know, do his THUG THIZZLE, you know…”

As I started interviewing the homeless men, it became clear that some of their “buddies” who drove them to the polls were pushing quite an agenda. I am not saying all volunteers did this, but there were certainly a few. It appeared as if the homeless guys were being bribed with rides, food, and who-knows-what to go “vote.”


While I think it is kind of these volunteers to lend a helping hand, I don’t understand the big push to get homeless people to vote. If these guys don’t even know where they are going to be next week, why would you want them voting in your state and affecting your electorate? Why would you want them voting in the first place?

The “who-knows-what” was probably copious amounts of steaming gay sex. Just saying, that’s our THUG THIZZLE. (Do black people really speak in all caps? If so, I’m sorry for our bad internet etiquette.) There’s something deeply stupid about the shock at someone wandering over to a camera to ask if they can be on TV – something, of course, no white person with a permanent address has ever done at any event since the advent of cameras capable of capturing motion.

We then segue to Soren Dayton, who is perturbed that Republican election monitors can’t stop people from voting stop people from voting…yeah, that’s right.

So here is what is happening today. People are showing up to register and vote. There is no affirmative evidence that these people have not registered or voted somewhere else. There is no control. Normally in an election, partisan election monitors are allowed into polling places so that they can police each other. But not in two counties, Franklin and Montgomery, in Ohio. Brunner also issued an advisory opinion to counties saying that they are not required to allow election monitors.

First, it’s pretty much a given ever since election monitors became commonplace in Ohio that the Republicans are going to fight people’s right to vote and Democrats are going to help you – if there’s a Democrat there to begin with. It’s not protecting voters’ rights, it’s protecting the Republican Party from voters.

Second, how do you provide “affirmative evidence” that you haven’t registered or voted elsewhere? Do I need to carry in signed affidavits from each of the other 49 states and D.C. declaring that I’m not a registered voter in any other locality? Do you want voting via DNA verification? Shall we provide a family lineage proving that our clan has voted three generations back?

If Republicans ever wonder why black people virtually to a person distrust them, they may want to look at the fact that the most organized activity they put together for election day is aimed at restricting access to a basic Constitutional right for many of the most powerless groups in American society.

I wonder how much support we’d get for assembling a Democratic effort to challenge the votes of white suburbanites in conservative enclaves? I mean, the most prominent case of actual “voter fraud” in the past few years was Ann Coulter’s. It’s her thug thizzle, y’know.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
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