McCain’s Final Three Weeks

By Jesse Taylor
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 18:10 EDT
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imageThe mores of honor demand that John McCain slur Barack Obama to his face:

Speaking on St. Louis radio, the candidate says Obama’s recent comments have “probably ensured” the former Weather Underground leader will come up in Wednesday’s debate.

“I was astonished to hear him say that he was surprised I didn’t have the guts” to talk about Ayers last week.

Far be it from me to declare myself an expert on the dictates of moral honor, particularly as it relates to ridiculous bullshit, but generally when you slur somebody in front of thousands and they talk about how chickenshit it is to do that in front of other people, but not to their face, you don’t gain any honor by repeating the silly, stupid thing you’re saying to them directly. It’s the distinction between burning a cross in a field and burning a cross on someone’s lawn – while the latter is certainly more direct, that flaming lowercase T doesn’t become the flammable equivalent of keeping the door open for the person walking in behind you.

Given how the final three weeks are going, I figure now’s as good a time as reveal McCain’s other plans to completely and utterly destroy the Republican Party’s credibility:

Thursday, October 16th: After a third meandering debate performance, McCain declares his intention to change his name to Leroy Washington and make himself that he’s the real black candidate in this race.

Saturday, October 18th: McCain blames Lindsey Graham for Thursday’s rumor, subsequently announces his intention to remain wholly white. Graham continues to smile robotically.

Sunday, October 19th: In an appearance on This Week, after news of Obama’s tour of heavily minority urban areas, McCain re-announces his intention to become super-black and makes George Stephanopoulos’ head explode. “White people be all crazy, my friends,” he announces to a rally in Boca Raton.

Tuesday, October 21st: McCain announces his intention to pull his campaign out of Texas.

Friday, October 24th: When asked why he’s still running under the name John McCain and does not appear to have made any substantive changes in racial identification, John McCain declares that he’s solved prejudice.

Thursday, October 30th: After nearly a week of media and campaign silence, John McCain launches a last-ditch effort to bring relevancy back to his campaign by marrying David Petraeus in a civil ceremony in Connecticut.

Friday, October 31st: Finally catching up to the events of the past two weeks, Sarah Palin tells Tom Brokaw that “being white is really, really great. What? What? For the, you know, race and such things that I would never purposefully, I think, make people feel worse or more negative for such a type of…you know? Really, yeah. Fuck, this is gonna be on Saturday Night Live tomorrow.”

Monday, November 3rd: On the cusp of a historic electoral landslide that may net Obama over 400 electoral votes and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, John McCain puts an authentic bamboo cage in the back of the Straight Talk Express and hands out cupcakes to an appalled press corps.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
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