Let me relish this moment and this video. I’m white. And I’m straight. And I live in one of the states where people are apparently “real” Americans. Getting booted from the “real America” club is actually not as simple as voting straight Democratic, but this is my ticket to Othersville: the dreaded atheism.
What’s awesome about atheists is we really are fucking scary, and just for the reasons I outlined above. Many of us look exactly like “real Americans”, as defined by McCain/Palin. We’re all scary and mysterious like that. You could be sitting next to a white lady with a Texas accent holding a boy’s hand on the bus and feel secure that she’s not a scary Other that is rotting this country at its core, but you’d be wrong, because that lady is me and I’m a Godless American. We’re everywhere, like Amway, except we have morals but no god, so sort of the opposite of Amway. We might just turn to you, and in a voice that sounds just like a “real” American voice, destroy your fragile faith by saying, “Have you ever considered that if god is all powerful and all good, then there shouldn’t be evil in the world? So either god is evil, not all powerful, or doesn’t exist. Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?” That’s why we’re the scariest non-real Americans in America.
The McCain campaign is campaigning as Jesus Christ in Nevada out of desperation, it seems. They’re passing out Christian voting guides that explain something rather baffling to us Godless Reading Americans—that Jesus would vote on 5 non-negotiable issues that are actually not mentioned by the Jesus of the Bible. You would think that if Jesus felt that abortion, euthanasia, embryonic stem cell research, human cloning, and homosexual marriage were more important than feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and peace on Earth, he might have bothered to mention it. Just once.
But as regular readers know, just because I’m a Godless American doesn’t mean that I don’t have some gods or a religion. I do, and am the prophet of the Church of the Mouse and the Disco Ball. Ours is a 21st religion. We have an innovative philosophy of allowing anyone to join the church just so long as they agree that they don’t actually believe in our gods or have faith in our religion. While it hasn’t taken off nationwide as a religion, I suspect once Americans clue into the fact that it’s a lot easier to belong to a church that doesn’t ask you to believe a bunch of bullshit. No late nights wondering if your faith is misguided, because you don’t have any. No concerns about what the Disco Ball thinks of you, because he’s a fictional character and can think whatever you want. Worship how you like or not at all; it’s irrelevant because you don’t believe that the gods you’re worshiping have the power to judge you, due to non-existence. It’s very freeing. If other gods had clued in long ago to the tactic of just letting their believers know they don’t exist, and so trying to please them is a pointless waste of time, then life would have gotten a lot easier a long time ago.
So, I’ve decided that I need to have my five non-negotiable issues for church members to vote on this election. However, unlike the Christians, I’m not going to blow smoke or pretend that I got these from a higher power. Well, unless you think my ass is a higher power from whence I pulled these directly from, and I won’t hold it against you if you do.
1) Choadery. Discoballmouseatarians are against it. If you are confused about what qualities make someone a choad, we have an entire tag dedicated to it. Everyone attached to the McCain campaign is a complete choad, except Todd Palin, who is also a douchebag.
2) Science. We’re for it. We don’t believe in make-believe things, but do think that knowledge of the real world is extremely important, and science is our best tool for getting it.
3) Sex, music, naps, and tasty food. We’re for these things. We fail to understand why people are concerned that their make-believe gods will be displeased if they enjoy themselves. If we made up gods, we wouldn’t be worried about their opinions, but we’d still make them pro-sex-and-fun just on principle. Oh wait. We did that. Yes, the Disco Ball sparkles brighter when people eat chocolate, drink wine and get it on after putting their iPods on “shuffle”.
4) LOL Cats. Not a voting issue yet, but just in case the right decides to go after those, too.
5) The war. The economy. The environment. You know, all that shit the Christian voting guides dismiss as minor issues.