This Is America, Goddammit

By Jesse Taylor
Thursday, April 2, 2009 22:00 EDT
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I was under the impression we lived in America, not some shitty island nation with 18 political parties and ceremonial royalty. I was under the impression we lived in a country where cash in a card was a perfectly acceptable gift, where we walk into fancy restaurants in flip-flops because they’re shoes, where we have guns because we like guns and we revolted against England because fuck their straight-line polite fighting.

So why are conservatives so all-concerned with respecting stuffy British protocol? Michelle Obama touched the Queen, which, because the British believe she has special magical healing powers or something, is basically like urinating in a cancer patient’s Gatorade. Obama gave the Queen an iPod with hours of footage of her on it after she gave him a framed picture of herself, which is apparently etiquette on par with Rickrolling her.

What I don’t understand: we’re Americans. The one thing I learned about Americans over the past eight years is that we do what we want when we want. We clear brush in 100 degree weather because heatstroke is for pansy-ass foreigners. We stop talking to other countries at the drop of a hat because talking isn’t war. We tell the Constitution to go suck any number of body parts on ourselves or others when it doesn’t allow us to imprison brown people. When did these vigorous purveyors of international American manliness become so delicately concerned with the particulars of frou-frou protocol? He got a dude a gift – real Americans don’t even remember birthdays.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
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