Michele Bachmann To Start Savage Druid Cult To Combat Health Reform

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American’s Sanest Congresswoman:

“This cannot pass,” the Minnesota Republican told a crowd at a Denver gathering sponsored by the Independence Institute. “What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.”

What I find truly helps the democratic process is people swearing blood oaths to each other. Also, I’m pretty sure more people are slated to die opposing this bill than it would actually kill, even if you accept the fact that the entire Emmanuel family will be going door to door genetically screening your children and taking the superior ones to a plant for processing.

“Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom,” she said. “And we may never be able to restore it if we don’t man up and take this one on.”

“What we want to do instead,” she said, stroking the snow-white cat on her lap, “is to gently seduce freedom into our chambers, and then strap it down and oil up its sweet, lithe body.” She then excused herself for an uncomfortably long 17 minute period, after which she returned, flushed, sweaty and a little bit giggly. Then she ate a raw chicken breast and screamed, “VICTOOOOORY!”

It is not known if Bachmann will be returning to the House before the winter solstice.