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Number 11: Boil A Fatted Calf In Its Mother’s Milk

By Jesse Taylor
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 3:46 EDT
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A group within the RNC, based off of an old Ronald Reagan quote that someone who agrees with you 8 out of 10 times is your friend, has, of course, created a list of ten things, eight of which candidates must agree with to get endorsed:

(1) Smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill
(2) Market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;
(3) Market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
(4) Workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check
(5) Legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
(6) Victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
(7) Containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat
(8) Retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
(9) Protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and
(10) The right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership

Besides the brilliance of having ten planks in your platform, seven of which include the word “oppose”, there’s a special kind of literalism at work here, the kind where people try to live out the whole Bible for a year or build a lightsaber according to the canon physics of Star Wars. To that end, other Ronald Reagan quotes which shall become literal GOP axioms:

A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?

The first candidate to look at a tree is disqualified from running. And in ACORN.

All great change in America begins at the dinner table.

All candidates must make their official campaign announcements from a 3′ by 6′ or larger dinner table.

Don’t be afraid to see what you see.

No blindies.

Each generation goes further than the generation preceding it because it stands on the shoulders of that generation. You will have opportunities beyond anything we’ve ever known.

All Republicans must stack old people in human pyramid form for all public events. The older, the better.

Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They’re just braver five minutes longer.

All Republican candidates must be able to hold their breath for five minutes or longer. Those who cannot are witches.

I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.

Take your guns to NAACP meetings and ensure that rights are enforced. It’s necessary. So very necessary.

They say the world has become too complex for simple answers. They are wrong.

No answer to any question shall be longer than three words, even if the request is to name your four favorite words.

To sit back hoping that someday, some way, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last – but eat you he will.

The Republican Presidential candidate must kill and field dress a crocodile or, barring that, taunt a homeless man and put it on YouTube.

We are never defeated unless we give up on God.

The New Jersey Nets are all atheists. All of them.

We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.

You heard the man.

When you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat.

Look, we fucking said no blind people. And burn them if you see them.

Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face.

Including how to get more Twitter API.

You can tell alot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.

…Okay, really?

I look forward to the newer, less sane GOP. Or wait, equally as insane, just in different and more absurd ways.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
 
 
 
 
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