I Am A Real American

By Jesse Taylor
Tuesday, March 9, 2010 20:01 EDT
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Over at the Corner, Mark Krikorian is just so offended that the government would ask about race on the Census that he advocates creating a whole new (master?) race: American.

Fully one-quarter of the space on this year’s form is taken up with questions of race and ethnicity, which are clearly illegitimate and none of the government’s business (despite the New York Times’ assurances to the contrary on today’s editorial page).

So true – the government has no interest in knowing anything about race, because the only reason they want to know is to apportion all the Islam to the blacks, I think. It’s certainly not the government’s business to see if there are patterns or practices of racial discrimination going on in housing or the distribution of economic benefits, or to use this information to address the correlation between poverty and race, or any of the other myriad ways race continues to effect modern society. The only proper course is for the government to pretend that race doesn’t exist, because we can only move forward when we start properly blaming minorities for not solving all of their own problems like the white people have.

Instead, we should answer Question 9 by checking the last option — “Some other race” — and writing in “American.” It’s a truthful answer but at the same time is a way for ordinary citizens to express their rejection of unconstitutional racial classification schemes. It’s a truthful answer but at the same time is a way for ordinary citizens to express their rejection of unconstitutional racial classification schemes. In fact, “American” was the plurality ancestry selection for respondents to the 2000 census in four states and several hundred counties.

Now, at no point in the entire history of ever has any court ever held that the government simply knowing about racial identification on a macro scale is unconstitutional. In fact, it would pretty much render the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments unenforceable if the government couldn’t collect data about race. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole thing is just closeted white resentment of perceived “special treatment” for all the minorities who get the cell phone welfare and the good jobs, even though you can’t have the good jobs to get the welfare. This is logical!

Let’s look at that map of race-blind tolerant America that Krikorian mentioned. If you look at where “American” won out as the majority racial classification, it was, shockingly, the South, which has no history of white people doing goofy, racist shit and then swearing to the Lord above that it had nothing to do with race whatsoever. It’s what I enjoyed about the War of Northern Aggression.

There’s a strong tendency to believe that those who are the strongest proponents of ending all discussion of race in modern society are its most racist members. This is because that belief is true. Krikorian’s push isn’t designed to bring about racial reconciliation or to move past race as a factor in society. It’s a way for a threatened white majority to draw a line in the sand. You can be as racist as you want if you just pull out the “American” card and say that everyone else is racist for bringing race into the conversation.

So, sure, you can make up an ethnic classification that’s not only meaningless, but also steals an ethnic classification from Native Americans (they should be used to that, though). Afterwards, I look forward to seeing you in the comments of every video on YouTube talking about just what the fuck is wrong with black people these days. You’re adding a lot to that Super Mario speed run, friend.

Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
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