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Unanswered questions from Soccergate

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, April 14, 2010 21:50 EDT
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If you haven’t heard about this newest scandal about to blow the doors off this administration and finally begin the impeachment proceedings that should have started on January 21st, 2009, well, I don’t know what rock you’ve been hiding under. It all started when Cat Corben of American Thinker accused Obama of making up his daughter’s soccer game so he could sneak off to do god only knows what—probably make up some birth certificates—and it was immediately picked up by a host of conservative bloggers and Rush Limbaugh himself. Scandal!

True,the three pieces of evidence Corben offered were immediately shown to be 100% horseshit. Contrary to his claims, there was a game scheduled, the neighborhood it was in is considered plenty safe enough for soccer games, and members of the press saw Obama at the game. However, as we all know, this should settle nothing. Many questions remain, and no one is addressing the biggest one of all:

What is this game “soccer”? Can we be sure there is such a thing?

Let’s look at the evidence that there is a game called “soccer”, and show why these claims are fishy.

Claim #1: People play this game all over the world. Oh sure, we hear all about this game that’s played all over the world, and how there’s even big tournaments with fancy names like “World Cup” watched by gazillions of fans. But how can we be so sure? Has anyone ever been to these exotic lands to see this game being played? Of course not.

Worse, the claim is made that the rest of the world calls the game “football” and not “soccer”. Look, the people claiming that this game exists can’t even get the name of the game straight! How are we supposed to believe there is such a game?

Claim #2: The game has rules. All games have rules, right? The soccer pushers claim their imaginary game does, too. But these rules are so silly that you have to believe they’re making them up. What kind of ball game doesn’t permit the players to touch the ball with their hands? Balls were designed with hands in mind, morons. Balls are for touching with your hands. And that’s what she said.

And if you think I’m crazy, just ask someone who claims that soccer exists to explain the offsides rule to you. And laugh as they try to get their story straight.

Claim #3: Both girls and boys play it.
You see the pictures that believers whip out to “prove” that soccer exists, and you’ll see men and women, boys and girls—all playing this “soccer”. Do they really expect us to believe there’s a sport like that? In the real world, there’s sports for men/boys and sports for women/girls. Men have football, basketball, and golf. Women have volleyball, ice skating, and getting their periods. And never the two shall meet.

Claim #4: This game has equipment. Okay, the ball they claim to play with looks real enough, but the shoes?

Give me a break. That doesn’t look like a shoe. You’d just get stuck in the ground and not be able to move, like a golf peg or something. Proof positive that this is not only a conspiracy, but that they’re mocking us by leaving giant clues around.

The President can’t go to his daughter’s soccer game if there’s no such thing as soccer. Obviously, this conspiracy goes much deeper than Corben or Limbaugh even realized.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
 
 
 
 
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