The Patriarchy is back! (Not that he ever really went anywhere, I suppose, except to the bank a few times.)
In this episode, The Patriarchy gets his mansplain on to discuss the most important issue in America today: LeBron James. This isn’t about a basketball player switching teams, this is about the most browerful bromance of of our modern brage.
Transcript after the break. BRO HUG! —
What’s up, Patriarchs? I hope you’re enjoying the summer with your bros offroading, carboloading, and watching each other’s sex tapes.
It’s important to spend the summer bro bonding, or bronding, because nothing’s more important than your bros. And nobody knows that better than the best white basketball player of all time: LeBron James.
Sigmund in Pittsburgh writes: Dear Patriarchy, isn’t it terrible what LeBron James did to the men of Cleveland? Dear Sigmund, first of all, get a new name. Sigmund only works if you’re a doctor from olden times or a Chihuahua in a bag. Second of all, there’s nothing terrible about LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach – he’s living the most epic bromance of all time.
It started in the close quarters of the 2008 Olympics, where Lebron, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh completed phase 1 of the bromance: Getting Tight. This can happen at an all-boys Catholic School, summer camp, or any other place where you spend all your time together and get to know everything about the fellas around you.
This leads to Bromance Corollary A: It’s Not Gay If You’re Bros. Butt-slapping, sizing up each other’s junk, playing soggy biscuit – these activities are about two things: getting tight, and establishing a pecking order. Totally ungay.
After the summer of 08, LeBron and his boys embarked on phase 2 of the bromance: Hijinks. They schemed for years on how they could team up, probably losing one of them at a casino right before the big announcement and reminding each other how money they all are the whole time. Hijinks help you develop bro-only, or bronly, inside jokes and phrases, which solidifies the brond of bros.
Once he became a free agent, maybe LeBron would’ve had a tough choice between his faux bros in Cleveland and his real bro soulmates, or broulmates, but then one of the Cavs “allegedly” violated Bromance Corollary B: Bang Anyone You Want – Except a Bro’s Mom. Ouch.
Now LeBron and his boys are united in phase 3 of the bromance: Bros 4 Life. This is something most of you can only dream of. Wives and kids are important to have in your employ, but a lot of you start putting them ahead of your bros. LeBron and his bros, or the LeBros, will be working together, working out together, showering together, and hopefully making it rain at every South Beach strip club every night for the next 5 years. They may never have an orgasm again without at least one of the other bros in the room, and that is ultimate brogasm.
The only thing the LeBros have to apologize for is setting the bromance bar this high. Way to go, fellas.
This is the Patriarchy reminding you that it’s also not gay if it’s an alter boy.