Even if ‘pro-masturbation’ voters turn out in full force, a Dem candidate will do something like beat a bald eagle to death with a Koran
Despite currently controlling both houses of Congress and the presidency, the perception is that Democrats can’t win for trying.
Whether it’s Murphy’s Law or the Curse of Thomas E. Dewey, many supporters of the donkey party often fear that no matter how unbeatable they look in the polls, undoubtedly, some fellow jackasses will muck up their best laid hopes and dreams.
Pundits are giving the Democrats an edge in races in New York and Delaware after Tea Party candidates defeated more moderate Republicans in Tuesday’s primaries. But the political experts at The Daily Show explained Wednesday that the party will quickly “fuck this up.”
In a segment titled “Beyond the Palin,” Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart reported that Tea Party favorites had surprised the Republican establishment in several states on Tuesday. Carl Paladino beat Rick Lazio for the Republican nomination for New York Governor. Christine O’Donnell won over Rep. Mike Castle for the Delaware Senate nomination.
Stewart first noted that Paladino has been criticized for forwarding racist and pornographic emails.
O’Donnell also has skeletons in her closet. She is on record equating masturbation to adultery.
With all of these negatives, Democratic leaders are giddy with expectations of wins in November.
“Now we feel like we have a super chance to win,” DNC Chairman Tim Kaine told NBC Wednesday.
But Democrats might yet find a way to lose. Stewart invited The Daily Show political experts John Oliver, Wyatt Cynac, and Jason Jones to debate how Democrats will “fuck this up.”
“I think Democrats will fuck this up through complacency, a classic Scott Brown Massachusetts situation when his Democratic and heavily favored opponent Martha Coakley barely bothered to campaign,” predicted Cenac.
Jones had another idea. “Democrats will fuck this up by just missing the point,” he said.
“The Republican candidate for Senate in Delaware, O’Donnell, is running to restore fiscal sanity to Washington yet leaves behind a trail of unpaid bills and legal issues. The Democrats will spend all their time arrogantly ridiculing her for opposing masturbation,” said Jones. “I assume they’re hoping for a high turnout of the pro-masturbation crowd.”
Oliver disagreed. “You’re forgetting that the Democrats are a dynamic innovative party constantly thinking of new ways to fuck up a sure thing,” observed Oliver.
“I think the Democrats will try to usurp the Tea Party’s folksiness by throwing a working-man-themed fund raiser where the likes of Sean Penn and Barbara Streisand dine on diamond crusted mahi mahi in the back of Will.i.am’s stretch Prius while the bald eagle they rented to provide a patriotic flair attacks a nearby group of handicapped school children forcing the front-running can’t-lose Democratic candidate to beat that bald eagle to death in front of live television cameras with the nearest large book he can find which is…”
“Don’t say it,” implored Stewart.
“You know it. A Koran,” concluded Oliver.
This video is from Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, broadcast Sept. 15, 2010.