As hard as it may be to believe, this magazine cover is not a parody. They’re not making fun of the urge of a bunch of suburbanite tea baggers working office jobs to imagine themselves as rugged farmers working old-fashioned fields their actual dietary and housing demands have killed off. Your McMansion sits on an exurban street that used to be someone’s farm! It’s practically the same thing, right? Your Sports Overcompensation Vehicle drives on roads that were paved right over where tractors used to roam. You’ve also eaten hamburgers, which makes you a cowboy, and should be the cover of the next issue, if there is one.
This is what deriving all your self-esteem from being a white Christian asshole turns you into—someone who has no real sense of irony. Can you imagine being the person who just reads this like it’s no thing? I’d feel the crushing sense of shame from realizing that I have managed to drill any spark of individuality or life or personality from myself, and now all I have left is chest-thumping and flag-waving. No wonder you’d squeeze self-awareness out in that situation. Taking a look at yourself would be too painful to handle without intense therapy.