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Colbert: ‘This orgy of Christmas shopping proves America is back’

By Andrew Jones
Tuesday, November 29, 2011 8:51 EDT
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Stephen Colbert talks about Black Friday. Screenshot via Comedy Central.
 
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Celebrating America setting a new record for Thanksgiving weekend shopping, Stephen Colbert declared Monday evening that the country had returned to its former glory.

“Nation, this orgy of Christmas shopping proves America is back,” The Colbert Report host said. “We are once again spending money we don’t have or things we don’t need to give to people we don’t like.”

Colbert analyzed the last installment of the frenzied and sometimes rabid shopping day, including his discussion on the fight over a $2 waffle iron at a Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

“Now that sounds outrageous,” he said. “But remember, that $2 waffle iron could be used to bludgeon others, when you’re going for that $50 flat screen.”

Colbert also commended the woman who used pepper sprayed on fellow Wal-Mart shoppers.

“I say the Xbox people should turn that into a game,” he said. “Call of Duty: Black Friday Ops.”

The comedian encouraged viewers to be belligerent toward fellow shoppers for the rest of the season, in order to make it successful.

“You got to get your gifts by any means necessary,” he said. “But it is the holiday season, celebrating Jesus, the Prince of Peace. So please use non-lethal force only. Pepper spray, tear gas, bean bag bullets, and tasers, all of which I believe is available at Wal-Mart. But folks, they’re going fast, so, bring your waffle iron.”

WATCH: Video from Comedy Central, which was broadcast on November 28, 2011.

Andrew Jones
Andrew Jones
Andrew Jones is a staff writer/reporter for Raw Story. Besides covering politics, he is also a freelance sports journalist, as well as a slam poetry and music artist. You can follow him on Twitter @sluggahjells.
 
 
 
 
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