What To Expect In Iowa Tonight

By Jesse Taylor
Tuesday, January 3, 2012 14:58 EDT
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First, I (@pandagon) and Amanda (@amandamarcotte) will be offering up commentary on the Iowa Caucuses on Twitter tonight. Follow us for fun and hilarity and idle ruminations on how awesome it would be if a giggly-drunk Rick Perry showed up at Romney’s victory party and offered to weed his garden, if you know what I mean.

Second, a bit on what to expect tonight:

  • People you’ve never seen before, but whom news networks will assure you are Iowa political experts, will very solemnly lead you through the complex political topography of Iowa, such that by the end of the night you’ll be having debates over what the returns from Cedar Rapids signify.
  • You should decide what you want the post-Iowa narrative to be by late afternoon today. Say it loudly, and you can be Chris Matthews. Say it in an even-keeled voice and then ask David Brooks if that’s right, and you can be David Gregory. Roll around on the ground in a blonde wig and spit up your oatmeal, and you can be Victoria Jackson.
  • Your Ron Paul-supporting friends on Facebook will say something insufferable, no matter what happens.
  • After nearly a year of candidates running for President of Fox News, yo-yoing up and down the polls at dizzying rates and barely showing any recognition that running for president is a thing that requires more forethought than a glorified professional wrestling promo, the top four campaigns coming out of Iowa will be the best-organized: Romney, Paul, Santorum and Perry.
  • Look out for lots of old people and lots of young white dudes saying things that only young white dudes say.
  • Casseroles out the ass. If we ever go back to the Articles of Confederation, the coin of the Republic of Iowa will be casserole.
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor
Jesse Taylor is an attorney and blogger from the great state of Ohio. He founded Pandagon in July, 2002, and has also served on the campaign and in the administration of former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland. He focuses on politics, race, law and pop culture, as well as the odd personal digression when the mood strikes.
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