Yesterday, I wrote about Daily Caller contributor Mark Judge and the beloved L.L. Bean bike which was so cruelly wrenched from his idyllic life by Some Black Dude. Horrified that one of my people would mercilessly steal a white dude’s bike, I decided to make some inquiries, and it is my great pleasure to announce that I have solved the case.
I can say with absolute certainty that a black dude did not steal Mark Judge’s bike. Why? Because there has been a boycott of L.L. Bean by black folks for eighty years, and us black folks always stick together. (Just ask Breitbrat Leftenant Dan Riehl):
I grew up near Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania. I went to junior high school smack dab in the middle of Chestnut Hill. Chestnut Hill, I’ll have you know, is listed in The Preppy Handbook as one of the preppiest places in America. (I own a copy of The Preppy Handbook, so I know this for a fact.) I spent a lot of time in Chestnut Hill, eating cheese fries at Fiesta Pizza and shopping at The Gap with my white friends, all of whom owned L.L. Bean clothing and regularly perused the L.L. Bean catalog. Never during my time on the mean cobbled streets of Chestnut Hill did I buy a single item from an L.L. Bean catalog. Why? Because of the damn boycott!!
So there you have it. My evidence that a black dude did not steal Mark Judge’s bike is as substantial — if not more so — than Mark’s evidence that a black dude did. He didn’t see a black dude steal his L.L. bike. I’ve never seen a black dude show any interest in anything L.L. Bean.
Ok, so maybe I didn’t actually solve the case, per se, but I did exculpate All Black Dudes from the crime, and really, that’s what I care about. I don’t give a shit about Mark’s L.L. Bean bike.
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