After hearing reports that Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter told investors that “Obamacare” would force the company to raise the prices of its pizza in 2014 by 11 to 14 cents, Stephen Colbert knew the President’s health care reform had gone just a step too far.
On Wednesday’s show he said, “I’m sure you’re saying, ‘Fourteen cents? Stephen, that’s not even one percent of the cost of a large pie. People will be willing to swallow that. After all, they’re willing to swallow this.’ Wrong.”
“People will not pay another cent because when you order a Papa John’s pizza, it’s only after you’ve reached a state of such desperate gnawing hunger that you’d eat the ass off a raccoon that drowned in your bird bath, and, even then, only after making absolutely sure that you’re all out of drowned raccoon ass,” he added. “And now Obama expects you to shell out almost three extra nickels for this hot turd pie? Fuck that! Eat the nickels, you have your dignity.”
But he wasn’t without concern for people’s health. “Now don’t get me wrong folks,” he stated. “I believe every human being has a fundamental right to affordable health care. But at what price? There has to be a line we do not cross. And it’s 14 cents. Because if we just sit idly by while everyone gets access to a doctor, today it’s just 14 cents more a pizza, tomorrow it could be three cents more a taco. And I would rather be dead.”
Watch the video, which first aired on Comedy Central on August 8, 2012, below: