On Wednesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert took on the purported “bombshell” announcement by businessman and reality TV host Donald Trump that was supposed to up-end the presidential race yesterday, which of course turned out to be a big announcement of nothing.
The hype started on Monday, with Trump promising something “very big” that would change votes and cost President Barack Obama the election.
“Yes, board up your windows,” said Colbert. ”Stock up on canned meats. This will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game changer in the human history of time, okay?”
It turned out, of course, to be an offer of $5 million to any charity the president chooses in exchange for Obama’s college records and passport application. The deadline Trump gave was 5:00 p.m. on October 31.
“That’s right,” said Colbert. ”He has to have it by five o’clock on Halloween, because that night he’s renting out his enormous orange head as a jack-o’-lantern.”
We should remember, however, Colbert said, that it’s not about Trump. He’s just trying to help. In fact, Colbert found the gesture so moving that he made a counter-offer of his own.
“Mr. Trump,” he said, “I will write you a check for $1 million from Colbert super PAC — you know I’ve got it — to the charity of your choice, anything, save the children, feed the children, put the children on ‘Child Apprentice,’ whatever. One million actual dollars if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth.”
“One caveat, my balls must be in your mouth no later than 5:00 p.m. on October 31,” Colbert stipulated. ”My balls have a thing that night.”
Watch the video, embedded via Comedy Central, below: