The Only Freedom that Matters is the Freedom to Nervously Guard Against Your Constant Fear of Emasculation

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, December 26, 2012 11:25 EDT
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Those freedom-loving arsenal-builders love liberty soooooo much, y’all. The want to hump it, lick it, and most importantly, take it to the shooting range to share in the glory of the One and Only Real Liberty: the liberty to believe the gun industry when they tell you their products will deceive everyone else into thinking you’re a tough manly man. They’re so into “freedom” they’re willing not just to tolerate periodic pre-Christmas massacres of little kids and firefighters to preserve the steady profits for gun manufacturers. They love the liberty of gun companies to make a mint off the corpses of 1st graders and firemen so much, in fact, that they’re willing to destroy every other right in order to preserve the One and Only Real Liberty.

Which is why those liberty-loving patriots have come together to demand that there be legal repercussions for people who publicly disagree with them. The First Amendment be damned; it it interferes with gun company profits, free speech must end.

A petition calling to deport pro-gun control CNN host Piers Morgan back to England has easily surpassed the 25,000 that requires a response from the White House. Started on Friday in Texas a few days after Morgan called gun advocate Larry Pratt “an unbelievably stupid man”, the petition accuses Morgan of engaging “in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution” and wants to deport him “immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.”

The Constitution, of course, doesn’t have any anti-American blather in it about due process or the rule of law, and certainly nothing   in it as subversive as saying that people have things like “freedom of speech, or of the press”, nor to peaceably assemble without the threat of a guy with a semiautomatic weapon with an extended clip that can wipe them all out in less time than it takes Glenn Reynolds to complete his obligatory quarterly wife-humping. The Constitution is a surprisingly simple document, consisting of a single sentence:

The right of gun companies to make obscene profits convincing morons that their testicles will fall off if they don’t dump thousands of dollars building up arsenals to guard against the imaginary impending apocalypse shall not be abridged.

No other language in it. Hey, they drank a lot back in the 18th century.

Speaking of Glenn Reynolds and using feigned concern for the “right” to own rooms that can clear out threatening hordes of 6-year-olds in record time, he has a column up that both argues that “Things Aren’t Really That Bad”—a comforting sentiment I hope he managed to avoid sharing with the families needing consolation in Newtown because their small children’s Christmas presents went unopened—-but also that things are so bad that we need to install a police state right now. He wants to start with the schools, installing armed guards whose ostensible purpose would be to “guard” the students, but whose real purpose would be to intimidate the students, turn ordinary school discipline issues into criminal matters, and help make that school to prison pipeline all the  more efficient. But hey, he’d like to legalize “soft” drugs, which is hopefully enough of  distraction to make you forget how badly he wants an authoritarian state to squeeze the life and creativity and independence out of its people, especially its young people.

That such a state means ever-increasing profits for gun companies? Well, that’s just a happy coincidence, I’m sure.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
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