In wrestling, as in politics, there are good guys and there are bad guys — and the good guys don’t always win. So it went for the Republicans, including two-time failed Connecticut Senate candidate and WWE CEO Linda McMahon (R), in 2010 and 2012. But inasmuch as even populist art reflects life, last night on WWE’s “Raw,” a funny thing happened on the way to victory at the Tampa Bay Times Forum, where the Republican National Convention was held in August 2012.
Current reigning WWE champion, CM Punk, was once considered a revolutionary, almost messianic, wrestler prone to converting his followers to his liberal “straight edge” — i.e., drug- and alcohol-free — lifestyle. But his desire for power has, of late, gotten the best of him and, following his win last night, he lectured the crowd about how he doesn’t need them to win titles or gain power because, unlike them, he did build his own championship: “I wasn’t just beating them,” he said, “I was beating all of you.” He added, “I have beaten you, I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I’m going to do the same thing to The Rock because I don’t care if he’s back, you all do not get to win. You are losers.”
It is at that point (4:20 in the below video) that former WWE superstar-turned-movie-star The Rock took to the arena to the screams of welcome from fans to give a speech that sounded suspiciously as aimed at the incumbent president (in an alternate conservative fantasy land) as at CM Punk. The Rock began by declaring to Punk, “You are straight-up delusional.”
“You wanted change,” The Rock added, “You wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion you rejected the people. No, the people rejected you.”
“You talked about change, you couldn’t do it.” The Rock continued, “You talked about revolution. You couldn’t do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars, ice cream bars for everybody and you couldn’t even do that.”
“You couldn’t provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass,” The Rock asserted, then encouraging to crowd to shout “Cookie puss!” at Punk by saying, “They have voices.”
The Rock continued to berate Punk, telling him, “You became the biggest jerk in the WWE,” and, “Don’t you ever say the people don’t matter.”
“They matter. They’ve always mattered. You’re the one who doesn’t matter,” The Rock added.
The Rock then explained what he wanted Punk to do to prepare for their upcoming match. “The Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror and strip naked. That’s what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself, don’t concentrate on your Cookie Puss, turn around and look at your backside and let’s try and find a small space on this body that’s not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos.”
But to find out what what tattoos The Rock wants Punk to get to enable him to call Punk a “candy ass” — and who gets thrown to the mat and has to slink out of the ring — you’ll have to watch the video below, first uploaded by the WWE on January 7, 2012.