A Super Bowl Primer for The Ladies

By Amanda Marcotte
Friday, February 1, 2013 9:52 EDT
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Whilst admittedly looking for goofy online articles on how to watch football for the teasing of friends, I found what I cannot overstate is proof positive that all the whining anti-feminists have been saying was right: Sexism is over, feminism won, and the only reason to continue to believe in sexism is that you get mysteriously sourced cash payments to do so. This article that demonstrates neatly how women are completely equal in and outside of the home is on eHow and titled “How to Watch Football With a Boyfriend”. Truly, the lessons of gender egalitarianism from a simple how-to article on football-watching shouldn’t be as profound as they are, and yet.

1) Watch football for the hotties, but don’t make any remarks about them to your boyfriend. Just sit back and try and engage in the game. When you can’t focus on the game itself, focus on the cute bulging football players in tight pants.

As you’ll find, in our new era of gender equality, women are expected to keep a lot of opinions to themselves. A truly equal woman has no need to express hereself like some overtalkative man.

2) Ask intelligent questions. You should keep these questions to yourself until after the game is over, or during halftime, but make sure you show that you are trying to understand the game. If you want to appear knowledgeable before the game, research the rules and strategies. Knowing the way the game works will help you get into it.

In this post-feminist era, it’s not like you’re supposed to be completely silent, however. You can invite him to talk with questions. But not too much: Time the eruption of sound from your equal-but-still-annoying vocal cords to those moments where it will be least annoying.

Also, never forget that women can never actually be knowledgeable about a thing. Sure, you research the game and now that you understand it, you’re into it. Understanding the game should never be conflated with possessing knowledge about it, however. Nor should enjoying the game be considered evidence that one is a fan. Women, in all their magnificent equality, can neither know things or be fans of anything. If you disagree, look no further than all gender egalitarians out there who have some words for those “fake geek girls“. They understand that women can never really be knowledgeable or really be fans, and anyone who says otherwise is just faking.*

3) Let your guard down. Football is a spectator sport, and it is a sport that reinforces the stuff-your-face behavior of men. Don’t count calories when you watch a game. Continue to snack smart, but cave in and have a hot dog with your boyfriend.

Just throw it up in the bathroom afterwards, and while you have that moment to yourself, ponder how grateful you are that women are finally equal.

4) Get your other girlfriends involved. Invite both of your friends over to watch football. Give your boyfriend a warning that your friends are coming, and make sure your girls know that it won’t be a gossip-fest.

There are many things I could say about this (but I want to leave some for the comments), but I want to highlight how far women have come by pointing out that women are now permitted to have two whole female friends. Two! I know all you bitches out there watch “Girls” and “Sex and the City” and think you get to have three friends, but that’s just because you’re ruined by the feminist-industrial complex that is turning you into greedy princesses. Stick with two and be grateful for what you’ve got. Otherwise, you might start getting too greedy and wanting things like library cards and your own checking accounts, and we know where that leads.

5) Avoid cuddling, snuggling and any amorous thoughts. When you watch football with your boyfriend, you must think of it as a bonding experience that is off limits for talk of feelings or your relationship.

6) Be helpful. You are encroaching on his territory, so if you get up ask if he needs a drink or bring back snacks. Don’t become a slave or let him order you around, but a little game-time TLC goes a long way.

Don’t be his slave, of course. I mean, we’re not barbarians—women are equal now! A better model for you would be a bit more futuristic: Think of a silent sci-fi-style robot who anticipates its owners needs and fills them seamlessly without making a noise. Your boyfriend shouldn’t even know you’re there. He should simply have a beer in his hand and his snack of preference show up when he needs them, almost as if magic. If he makes eye contact, or worse, has to verbally acknowledge your existence, you’ve failed as a girlfriend. And worse, you’ve proven that women don’t deserve all this awesome equality we’ve got, and so that will have to be taken away. So be careful.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
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