With Tea Party Republicans increasingly at odds with “the manatee with a planatee,” Karl Rove, Stephen Colbert urged both sides to go all-out.
“I believe Republicans cannot wuss out here,” he demanded. “Republicans need to charge ahead and take even more conservative positions in 2014.”
The rift between Rove, the former Republican kingmaker, and Tea Partiers has led to Rove opening a new political super PAC designed to scuttle candidates he feels are too far to the political right to be electable.
After pointing out that the skirmish broke the “11th Commandment” handed down by GOP icon Ronald Reagan — “the white Marco Rubio,” as Colbert called him — forbidding Republicans from bad-mouthing one another, Colbert admitted he wasn’t sure which side to root for.
“The first thing they’ll have to fight over is who gets the Confederate flag,” Colbert suggested, before admitting he and Rove had shared some good times (“We buried that hooker”). Yet he also conceded that a part of him was with the Tea Party.
“Maybe not my heart,” he clarified. “Whatever organ produces bile. Gallbladder, I guess, I don’t know.”
But whichever side comes out on top, Colbert said, should be even more conservative.
“Forget embracing Latinos,” he said. “We need a program to shoot them into space. Let’s give them a pathway into low orbit.”
He also advocated denying LGBTQ Americans the right to marry or vote — “I, for one, don’t want sloppy seconds on their lever-yanking” — and mandating transvaginal ultrasounds be a prerequisite for women seeking driver’s licenses.
“Hey, nobody’s happy with their picture, anyway,” he explained, as a pained-looking sample license was shown on the screen.
Watch Colbert weigh his options in the conservative power struggle, aired Tuesday on Comedy Central, below.