In an effort to win over “liberal holdouts” to back the U.S. unmanned drone program, Stephen Colbert appealed to their love of the environment — as shared by former al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who allegedly encouraged his followers to use trees to provide cover from the drones.
“You hear that, tree-huggers?” the Colbert Report host asked. “Our drone program is encouraging reforestation. So unless you support our death-bots, you’re killing the planet. Remember, think locally, bomb globally.”
Before his death, the terrorist leader allegedly contributed to a 22-point tipsheet found in Mali advising members of the terrorist organization to hide under trees to avoid being spotted by the drones, saying in a letter that “trees will give the mujahedeen the freedom to move around.”
Colbert also offered up his own advice for following the recommendation to maintain silence on wireless communications.
“Switch to AT&T. No one will ever find you,” he advised, before assuring viewers he was kidding.
America’s drone program, Colbert said, had “semi-autonomously piloted its way into my heart” because, as Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) revealed on Feb. 19, it had led to the deaths of 4,700 people by his count.
“Most impressively, most of those 4,700 people were the ones we were trying to kill,” Colbert said.
But he pointed out that not everyone was as proud of President Barack Obama’s administration’s program. Including the president himself, going by former press secretary Robert Gibbs’ admission on Feb. 24 that he was told not to acknowledge it.
“The truth is, the secret got out a long time ago,” Colbert noted. “I don’t know how, but it was leaked to at least 4,700 people.”
But, Colbert said, he didn’t understand why Obama was being so sheepish about the program, since it already enjoys the support of a reported 83 percent of Americans, including 77 percent of self-identified liberal Democrats.
“You know those remaining 23 percent of liberal holdouts are just the same spoil-sports who eventually ruined the Iraq war, the Japanese internment camps and the 1902 law permitting the Irish to be catapulted into the sea,” he complained.
What the “liberal peace-humpers” needed to understand, Colbert said, was that the program had grown successful enough that al-Qaeda was discouraging Western recruits from venturing to Pakistan — forcing the cancellation of “MTV’s Spring Break Waziristan.”
“The party lasts all year because the girls are never in school,” he said after doing a little dance in his chair.
Watch Colbert break down tips to avoid drones and how to win liberals over on them, aired Tuesday on Comedy Central, below.