Stephen Colbert admitted to his audience on Tuesday that he never understood the expression, “I hate to say I told you so.” And North Korea’s recent declaration of a “state of war” with South Korea gave him a chance to demonstrate that.
“Guess what? I told you so,” he deadpanned.
Communism, he explained, was like the titular menace in the film The Blob: just one piece being on the loose exposed the world to danger.
“This time, that piece of Commie blob is this piece of Commie blob,” he declared, pointing at a mugshot of North Korean leader Kim-Jong Un.
This was not some “namby-pamby War on Terror,” Colbert charged, but a threat from a country “with an army, with uniforms that we recognize, and hats so big they double as soup terrines” — if they had any soup, of course.
Colbert also cited a March 22 report alleging that the country ordered a group of diplomats to raise $300,000 apiece in meth sales out of foreign embassies by April 15 to both mark their leader’s birthday and prove their loyalty.
“It’s just like the Girl Scouts raising money by selling Thin Mints,” Colbert explained. “Except crystal meth is less addictive.”
“Kim Jong-Unreasonable,” Colbert charged, had been pushed to the brink by recent United Nations sanctions, so much so that he planned to threaten not just neighboring South Korea, but U.S. cities like Austin, Texas. Colbert then produced footage he said demonstrated Jong-Un’s disdain for the South by Southwest Music Festival.
“It’s just gotten so commercial lately,” the faux-dubbed video began. “I saw Wilco play this tiny club in ’95 and it was awesome. But these days, it feels like they’ve sold out. I say, let’s turn Austin into a desolate wasteland, like Houston.”
Watch Colbert make the case against North Korea, aired Tuesday on Comedy Central, below.