Hearing about the practice of “medical repatriation” — hospitals shipping undocumented patients back to their countries of origin, often while unconscious — didn’t bother Stephen Colbert. Since, unbeknownst to him, immigrants get sick “just like normal people” (and it’s hard to buy lottery tickets while dealing with a catheter) this was a chance for the U.S. to take the bull by the huevos on the issue.
“Let’s end poverty by flying the poor to sub-Saharan Africa,” he suggested. “Or we could strap the elderly to rockets and shoot them into space. Or maybe we could send the unemployment somewhere they’ll never come back from. Because, in America, we don’t turn a blind eye to the needs of our fellow man. So we need to send them someplace where we can’t see them at all.”
Of course, he also saw a way he could benefit from the practice, scoffing at critics’ allegations that the practice unfairly targets a vulnerable sector of society and wishing somebody would target him with a free ride on a private jet.
“The next time I have a couple of weeks off, I’m gonna go straight to the emergency room, tell the admitting nurse that I’m an illegal alien who was born in the Playa Fiesta Beach Club and Hotel in Puerto Vallarta, then bash myself in the skull with a hammer,” Colbert said. “When I wake up, I’ll have bedsores in paradise.”
Besides air relocations, Colbert said, the news that a Nevada clinic was allegedly dumping passengers by bus around the U.S. could also yield dividends, even if their new “homes” objected.
“Easy fix: don’t let them off the bus,” he offered. “We’ll have a nationwide rotating caravan of buses filled with the mentally ill.”
Watch Colbert lay down the “Word” on patient dumping, aired Tuesday on Comedy Central, below.