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Translating Michele Bachmann’s Resignation Speech

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, May 29, 2013 12:38 EDT
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As earlier reported, Michele Bachmann abruptly announced today that she won’t be running for re-election for a seat that used to be assuredly hers by virtue of her party, but could be under threat from a Democratic challenger as her national profile-seeking has revealed to the country exactly how much of an embarrassment she is. Here is the video where she announced this:

Like you, I got about 30 seconds in before her tendency to talk to the public like it’s made up of very slow-witted preschoolers got to me and I had to shut it off. However, the hard-working folks at Minnesota Public Radio graciously published a transcript, and so I thought I’d use that to quote juicy bits and help translate them from Wingnutese (which I sadly speak fluently) to English.

My good friends, after a great deal of thought and deliberation, I have decided next year I will not seek a fifth Congressional term to represent the wonderful people of the Sixth District of Minnesota. After serious consideration, I am confident that this is the right decision.

After reading my poll numbers and having to endure multiple interviews with the FBI, I’ve decided that this job actually requires work, so I’m quitting.

However, the law limits anyone from serving as President of the United States for more than eight years. And in my opionion, well, eight years is also long enough for an individual to serve as a representative for a specific congressional district.

To make myself feel better about leaving in disgrace, I’m going to pretend Congress is a club I don’t want to be in anyway, starting by disparaging those who managed to hang in longer than I did.

Be assured, my decision was not in any way influenced by any concerns about my being re-elected to Congress. I’ve always in the past defeated candidates that were capable, qualified and well-funded. And I have every confidence that if I ran, I would again defeat the individual that I defeated last year, who recently announced that he is once again running.

And rest assured, this decision was not impacted in any way by the recent inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign, or my former presidential staff. It was clearly understood that compliance with all rules and regulations was an absolute necessity for my presdiential campaign, and I have no reason to believe that that was not the case.

I think you’re dumb enough to believe that someone who ran for President last year suddenly had a change of heart about being a professional politician. I’m hoping that my reputation for being “crazy” will convince you that I’m indifferent to the relentless phone calls I’m getting from the Republican Party leaders begging me to step down so as not to lose an otherwise secure seat to a Democrat.

And even when it means resisting the policy positions of many in my own political party, I’ve always strived to be first and foremost a public servant and do what is best for the people and never acquiesce to being a political servant.

Even when people were laughing at me, I never budged an inch from spouting John Bircher-levels of right wing nonsense.

Feel confident, over the next 18 months, I will continue to work 100-hour weeks

Broken down: 10 hours doing work, 10 hours going on TV to be a freak show, and 80 hours fussing over paranoid fantasies of the Muslims/gays/feminists/college professors lurking in the bushes, waiting for me to let down my guard so they can drink my blood.

And I will continue to work vehemently and robustly to fight back against what most in the other party want to do, to transform our country into becoming, which would be a nation that our founders would hardly even recognize today.

They wouldn’t recognize this mutant America, where women can vote and slavery is banned, that differs so from the nation they built.

I proudly have, and I promise you I will continue, to fight to protect innocent human life, traditional marriage, family values, religious liberty and academic excellence

I’ll make a handful of speeches that continue to affirm people’s suspicion that I think married couples should have sex through a hole in a sheet.

I’ve called out the Muslim jihad terrorists for who they are, and for the evil that they perpetrate upon our people.

No one would have noticed that Boston bombing if I hadn’t said something.

I’ve identified at the outset of the so-called Arab Spring, this adminsitration’s foriegn policy blunders and how those blunders have contributed into turning the Middle East into a devastating, evil, jihadist earthquake.

You don’t really need to understand foreign policy so long as you accept that whatever Obama does must be wrong.

I’ve also demanded, consistently, a balanced budget and fiscal responsibility, that this be a preeminent government requirement, so as to avoid the dangers of a future, a financial calamity for our children and the ultimate risk of the destruction of our entire economic system.

I hope that my uber-white district will continue to believe it’s better to burn this country to the ground than share it fairly with people who aren’t exactly like them, and won’t hold my behavior against whatever crazed but untested wingnut they run in my stead.

My core of conviction on these principal issues and more will continue, in a steadfast manner, during the remainder of my term and beyond.

I promise at least a few more floor speeches that will make you marvel at their stupidity.

Unfortunately, today I am even more concerned about our country’s future than I have ever been in the past. On so many issues, we’re clearly on the wrong track.

Please vote for whoever the Republicans run, or else you might end up with a gay, Latino boss one day.

But looking forward, after the completion of my term, my future is full, it is limitless, and my passions for America will remain. And I want you to be assured that there is no future option or opportunity, be it directly in the political arena or otherwise, that I won’t be giving serious consideration if it can help save and protect our great nation for future generations.

Dear Fox News: If you give me a multi-million dollar contract, I won’t squander it like Sarah Palin did.

I fully anticipate the mainstream liberal media to put a detrimental spin on my decision not to seek a fifth term. Since I was first elected to Congress many years ago, they always seem to attempt to find a dishonest way to disparage me.

Usually by quoting me directly, without comment.

To my many good friends and supporters, I will continue fight for public policy that is first and foremost in the best interest of the citizens of the United States at large.

Seriously, Roger Ailes: I released this statement as a video as a reminder of how photogenic I am. I’ll settle for $2 million a year.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
 
 
 
 
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