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Colbert tells straight people how to protect their marriages from gay threats

By David Ferguson
Thursday, June 27, 2013 8:37 EDT
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On Wednesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert announced that he is hosting the show from a mobile studio affixed to the belly of a dirigible suspended in the air high above international waters. He said that he took the evasive action to escape the “hot, sweaty mass of man-meat that is no doubt writhing over the face of our once-great nation” in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the 1995 federal legislation defining marriage as being between a man and a woman.

“Traditional marriage is now as defenseless,” he warned, “as a freshman frat pledge about to go through the spanking machine.”

“So, straight, married people listen up. If a gay person charges your marriage, you’re going to want to puff yourself up, make yourself seem bigger and try to frighten it off by talking in a firm, loud voice,” instructed Colbert, “about pleated denim or Jimmy Buffet.”

[Ed note: This gay reporter literally flinched while typing the phrase "pleated denim," so clearly it must work.]

Watch the video, embedded via Comedy Central, below:

David Ferguson
David Ferguson
David Ferguson is an editor at Raw Story. He was previously writer and radio producer in Athens, Georgia, hosting two shows for Georgia Public Broadcasting and blogging at Firedoglake.com and elsewhere. He is currently working on a book.
 
 
 
 
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