Current TV host John Fugelsang joined Frank “TV’s Frank” Conniff in the CLOSET on Tuesday — or at least, a fake activist group they said was taking a stand against “gay cereal.”
“Our new non-profit non-political 501 c(4) is Cereal Lovers Opposing Sodomite Equality Today,” Fugelsang explained, on the heels of cereal makers General Mills’ decision to honor LGBT Pride month by adding rainbow-shaped bits to Lucky Charms cereal.
“We here in the CLOSET community share your outrage that a capitalist business would be so inclusive toward minorities just to increase profits,” Fugelsang faux-raged.
“These gay capitalists are Marxists!” Conniff agreed.
For the past 50 years, Fugelsang argued, Lucky Charms was a wholesome way to provide children with processed fat and sugar. But now being inclusive toward the LGBT community ran the risk of turning those same children gay by association.
“Anyone who describes themselves as ‘magically delicious,’ you gotta worry about,” Fugelsang warned.
As a straight white “conservative” male, Fugelsang also took the opportunity to warn his viewers against other popular cereal figures, like Count Chocula.
“A Black Romanian who likes to bite other guys?” Conniff asked. “Thanks, Obama.”
While refusing to comment on Trix or Fruity Pebbles, Fugelsang also pointed out that the Quaker Oats “Oatman” wears a wig and has never been seen with a woman.
“He sowed his wild oats in Chelsea,” Conniff said conspiratorially.
It’s okay to be a homophobe, Fugelsang reassured his “fellow conservatives,” unless you’re a “liberal bigot” like Alec Baldwin.
“Remember, General Mills needs to stop shoving homosexuality down our throats,” Conniff said, before Fugelsang broke character.
“Even more importantly, if you think being inclusive is the same as having homosexuality shoved down your throat, you’re having the wrong kind of gay sex,” the Viewpoint host said to end the segment.
Watch Fugelsang and Conniff riff on the dangers of General Mills’ new campaign, aired Tuesday on Current TV, below.