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Dick Dynasty V: Making up is hard to do

By TBogg
Friday, November 22, 2013 17:17 EDT
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Liz Cheney announces her candidacy (Screenshot)
 
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Wyoming arriviste Liz Cheney, whom you may know by one of her WWE Raw fighting names (Baby Dick or Princess Snarlyface or Daddy’s Little Deferment or Not The Lesbian One, Yeah Her, That One) has had a very horrible not-good really-awful stepped-in-dog-shit-and-tracked-it-into-the-house kind of week. First she blowed up the entire holiday season, even Kwanzaa, for the Cheney Klan and now everyone is staying at their own homes on Thanksgiving and eating Marie Callendar Chicken Pot Pies instead of the traditional food that the pilgrims shared with the indigenous peoples of this continent before we gave them diphtheria, smallpox, and probably herpes, for dessert.

Why do the Cheney’s hate food, folks, and fun?

Then Liz Cheney couldn’t even choke down her chocoalate-mocha-peppermint-salted-chunks-o’puppy milkshake when someone brought up lady-on-lady sexytime in an interview:

In her black jeans and black sweater, with no campaign aide to monitor the interview or fend off intrusive questions, the 47-year-old Cheney seemed less an aspiring senator than a soccer mom happily juggling five kids and a tough new job. But then I asked Cheney about gay marriage, and she visibly stiffened. A frown came over her face, and she began jabbing her straw into her chocolate shake, which would go untouched for the rest of our conversation.

…because her sister drank her milkshake:
Unbeknownst even to some of her closest friends and advisers, her newly announced opposition to gay marriage had caused a major rift in the famously close Cheney family, and she and Mary were no longer on speaking terms. Days after we talked it all became public, when, in a series of Facebook posts as devastating as they were surprising, Mary blasted her sister’s stance against marriage equality. “Liz’s position is to treat my family as second class citizens,” Mary wrote. “This isn’t like a disagreement over grazing fees or what to do about Iran.” The public rebuke was the first communication between the sisters since August, and soon their parents, former Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynne, found themselves dragged into the imbroglio, issuing a statement defending Liz.

Who could have predicted that Pops and Moms Cheney would side with the one daughter who is penis-curious?  Not me.

Mary Cheney added, “Mom and dad always liked you best, and I hate you hate you hate you”:

But Mary wasn’t done speaking out. In a series of emails to me this week, as the news of her break with her sister spread, Mary wrote, “I’m not supporting Liz’s candidacy.” She later clarified: “By supporting, I mean not working, not contributing, and not voting for (I’m registered in Virginia not Wyoming).” The best she could say of the sister who was once her close friend and confidante was a final postscript: “I am not saying I hope she loses to Enzi.”

We’ll take that as a “maybe” in the same way that your mom used it to get you to shut the hell up about going to Epcot.

On top of all of that, Liz now has to hit the lonely godforsaken endless Thank-god-I’ve -got-a-pocketful-of-Adderall highways and byways of Wyoming to suck up to journalists whom she holds in less regard than an Iraqi orphan who is standing on a spot where a bomb is supposed to go. You see, earlier in the campaign some Wyoming reporters pointed out that Lynne had only lived in Wyoming for two whole years out of her otherwise-sucking-at-the-teat-of-the-federal-government life and Liz was all, “DIE IN A FIRE!!!, libtard asshole journalists!“.

This did not go over well:

Six weeks after announcing her Senate bid, Cheney publicly celebrated the decline of newspapers, accused her hometown paper of bias — after it reported (accurately) that she had posted a $220 bond for swearing a false oath to obtain a Wyoming resident fishing license — and kicked a local reporter and photographer out of a public reception.

Her message to local journalists seemed clear: Drop dead.

“Newspapers are dying, and that’s not a bad thing,” Cheney told a town hall audience in September after the Jackson Hole News & Guide reported on the bond. “We’re depending on ourselves. We’re going to go over their heads.”

She forgot “bless their hearts” which is really unforgivable when talking shit about the shitkickers.

Since then, Cheney has been trying to repair the relationship. She’s visiting newspaper offices around the state, meeting reporters for coffee; she even tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to find a reporter to oversee her campaign press office, according to sources. She ended up hiring the head of PR for the Wyoming Library Association.

Cheney has on-the-record interviews “in every town we visit,” Kara Ahern, an aide to the former vice president’s daughter, told POLITICO. “We often stop by newspaper offices or meet reporters at local diners for coffee. We also regularly invite reporters to our events and have had local reporters at several meet and greets recently.”

What Liz Cheney needs to do is find common ground with these ink-stained wretches by pointing out over coffee  that, she too, is a journalist because she used to appear on Fox News once a week or so to call the Kenyan Usurper a “Kenyan Usurper” who loves terrorists more than anything except golf.  And for her journalistic labors informing the public about the important issues of the day , she eked out a hardscrabble existence on a meager salary of $281,587 a year. Probably exactly what every reporter in Wyoming makes. Even the guy who pastes up Marmaduke.

Then Liz should let them pay for the coffee because a lady paying for drinks is all feministy and most likely the first step to becoming a lesbian and, Jeebus knows, the Cheney’s already have enough of those

 
 
 
 
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