In our continuing series on the Dick Dynasty that is la famiglia Cheney we are getting fan-mail from the floundering campaign of Elizabeth “Liz, Not Lez” Cheney whom you may know as Daddy’s Little Deferment or, if you’ve seen her on the teevee machine: Princess Snarlyface. In order to defeat left-wing anarchist Mike Enzi (whose last name sounds suspiciously foreign and, in fact, contains important letters that you would need to spell out the last name of Bartolomeo Vanzetti. Coincidence? Doubtful.) Liz needs you to send her your Christmas Club money before you blow it on presents and food for the kids. (Helpful hint from McDonalds: Happy Meals contain both a toy and “food”, so you’re covered). What is Liz Cheney going to do with this money? I’m glad you asked because now I have something to do with this Very Important email that LIZ CHENEY PERSONALLY SENT TO ME because we are BFF’s even though she blocks me on Twitter which is probably an oversight or something and we will undoubtedly laugh and laugh about it someday.
Here is that email, and please note that she calls me “Friend” because that is what I am to her (click it to ginormousize it) :
As you can see my friend Liz is under attack from “a shadowy, out-of-state Super PAC” which has launched “a dishonest smear campaign to distort
my her record” and by “shadowy out-of-state Super PAC” she means “communist homosexual foreigners” which is also just her nice way of saying “people from New York City”. And these same people are like the ones who tried to elect evil secret-liberal John McCain who Manchurian-candidated his way onto the 2008 GOP ticket and then blew the whole campaign up by picking Sarah Palin as his running mate which reminded people in America that our national elections were established for the purpose of maintaining an orderly transition of power and not as a murder/suicide pact in an abandoned car parked behind a Circle K (also knows as a “Wasilla Divorce”). I mean, c’mon, McCain had to find some way to lose to a black guy. So, yeah, genius move. Well played, Johnny Mac. Not that Liz Cheney didn’t think something was up at the time.
But that was then and this is now, and these carpetbagging donors are trying to prevent carpetbagging Liz Cheney from claiming her rightful throne as the Cowboy Queen of Wyoming and she needs people like you and me who do not live in her state to give her money because when we give her our out-of-state money it is totally different because shut up. And besides, our invitation to the swanky $10,000 a couple dinner that was held in New York a few weeks ago, with her dad as the main attraction, in order to raise money for her probably got lost in the spam folder:
Supporters of Liz Cheney, whose campaign for a Senate seat in Wyoming got off to a rocky start, have created a “super PAC” to bolster her “name awareness and approval rating.” The group is hosting a high-dollar fund-raiser this week in Washington featuring her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, at a Georgetown restaurant, according to an emailed invitation.
Mr. Cheney will be the keynote speaker at a $10,000-per-couple dinner here on Thursday at Cafe Milano to benefit the newly formed Cowboy PAC, a group that aims “to begin a statewide advertising campaign in the very near future.”
I am SO DISAPPOINTED because I have always wanted to meet undead-thing Dick Cheney and get to poke his unnaturally cool waxy skin and watch and see if floral arrangements wilt and die in his wake like so many Iraqi orphans. Wait til Liz hears my e-vite never showed. She’ll be mortified. I bet she sends me a nice hand-written note of apology.
And then we’ll laugh and laugh about it someday…