New Free Market Jesus Bible promises less Christian charity, more ass-kicking capitalism

By TBogg
Monday, December 23, 2013 19:58 EDT
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Obviously serial duck killer Phil Robertson’s rear-guard fight FOR Jesus and AGAINST buttsecks is not going as well as he probably had planned because, it turns out that  you may be able to camouflage your malevolent intentions from a flock of stupid birds, but deep-seathed bigotry shines a light all its own (let it shine, let it shine). But fret not Jesus-Americans and duck-slaughtering Manson family, work continues apace on a new better bible that will help you better convince the atheist haters to sack up, quit their sniveling, and get a G-damn job for Jiminy Christmas’s sake.

This new edition of the Bible is the brainchild of Andy Schlafly whose mother, Phyllis Schlafly, actually knew Jesus (she was his babysitter – 2 shekels an hour and NO BOYS can come over or there is going to be a stoning) and Andy has been crowd-sourcing the actual work because what the true voice-of-God Bible really needs is less religious scholarship and more people who saw Mel Gibson’s Jesus snuff-film.

…Andy Schlafly’s group is on the case, and they have invited you to pitch in. Well, maybe not you, exactly, but the “best of the public,” whose assistance is solicited in proposing new wording for left-leaning Bible verses.

Don’t know Aramaic, Hebrew or ancient Greek? Not a problem. What they are looking for is not exactly egghead scholarship, but a knack for using words they’ve read in the Wall Street Journal. They have a list of promising candidates on their website—words like capitalism, work ethic, death penalty, anticompetitive, elitism, productivity, privatize, pro-life—all of which are conspicuously missing from those socialist-inspired Bibles we’ve been reading lately.

In the several years since their translation project was inaugurated, all of the New Testament and several books of the Old have been thoroughly revised. But lots still remains to be done. If you’ve got a soft spot for Leviticus, the Book of Amos, Lamentations or Numbers, they are all still available for rewrite, so get cracking!

Thoses handy hints seem to indicate that He was less Jesus Prince of Peace and more Free Market Jesus born of  God-banged Virgin Ayn Rand:

  1. Utilize Terms which better capture original intent: using powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent;[9] Defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words that have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
  2. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction[10] by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[11] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
  3. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
  4. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.

Additionally, Andy says that some of those things that are in the Bible may not have happened the way we have been told (were you there? No? then shut up):

“The simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing,” Schlafly points out, proving that, “Jesus might never had said it at all.”

Another thing Jesus might never have said at all is, “Blessed are the meek.” Change that one to, “Blessed are the God-fearing,” the translation’s editors advise, which is far less touchy-feely than the King James version.

Where Jesus teaches that, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:24) our mentors at Conservapedia recommend that we scratch the word “rich” and replace it with either “fully fed and entertained” or, if you prefer, “idle miser,” which have none of the Occupy Wall Street-ish sour grapes of the better-known translation.

You may also substitute “Jamie Dimon is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.” in place of  hurtful slurs like “moneychangers” as written in the Book of Bartiromo. Doesn’t that sound nicer and more Christiany? Of course it does.

Needless to say, there are some Jesus hardliners who like their Jesus all bleeding-heart turn-the-other-cheek and :

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

But that sounds suspiciously  like either  communism or an invitation to follow Phish, so  you should probably just play it safe, grab all you can, devil take the hindmost, he who dies with the most toys wins, and most importantly remember: YOLO.

Unless, of course, you are Jesus because God always liked him best…

[Thanks and Merry Christmas, Dale]

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